The Memory Will Never Die
by paramorebrighter
Summary: AH/AU. Bella can no long hide behind her intellect when she has a stroke. She can't hide from her childhood love when he shows up back in Forks, either.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I sat in my desk cubicle, while a woman named Nancy Redcorn in New Mexico screamed at me about how her computer wasn't loading the way she wanted. I hated this job. With a passion. But, it was a job. I was desperately searching for another, but anything that paid 30K in Forks was slim pickings. I couldn't tell this woman to shut up or interrupt her, lest my quality score went down with my supervisor in the 1 in 30 chance she was listening. I had already failed one call this month, I couldn't afford to fail another or I'd fail my overall stats.

My vision blurred for a moment, and I felt almost dizzy, then a numbness across my body. My fingers didn't feel like my own. I panicked, but my head told me, _Keep it together, Bella, it's unprofessional and you can't fuck up another call. You can't lose this job in an economy like this until you write a book worth publishing._

"Are you still there?" the woman snapped. I opened my mouth to tell her yes, I was, but my mouth couldn't form the words. Finally, I forced it out. Her toned softened. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" I replied. That's all I could say.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Go get yourself checked out by a doctor."

"I'm…" I realized I could read the screen, but it didn't make sense to me. I had had spells like this, but didn't think too much of it. I had just gone to work and tried to get through the week. I put myself into offline, although my boss would get pissed off.

I had to take a break. Everytime this happened to me this week, if I just took a break, it would go away and I could speak again and everything went back to normal. I logged out for a break, although it wasn't my turn for one. In the cafeteria, I bought a decaff and bag of Cheetos to calm down.

I sat down and waited for the numbness and the buzzing to go away. It didn't. My break was nearing being up. I had forgotten my cell phone today. I needed to call Charlie. This wasn't normal. I hugged my knees. But, I had forgotten my phone.

Somebody on my team had to have one. I went over to Karen's desk and pointed to her cell phone.

"Hey, Bella," she said, muting her headset.

"I… can…"

"Bella, are you okay?"

I nodded, out of habit. "Bella, talk to me," she said.

I couldn't. "Bella, just sit down- Mr. Brown, I'm sorry, there's an emergency, I have to go," she said. I was embarrassed- I couldn't believe she was hanging up on customers because of me. I reached for her arm, but I couldn't say anything. "Sit tight!" she said. "I'll be right back!"

She ran to her supervisor, said something I couldn't hear, who came to me and took me to a small meeting room. He was a Quileute, somebody Jacob knew, but hadn't been close friends with him.

"Bella, are you feeling faint?" he asked. I shook my head. "No? Can you breathe?" I thought for a moment, and nodded. "Did you hit your head?" I shook my head.

A group of people came running into the small meeting room with medical rooms. "Here she is…" he said. They started taking my blood pressure and asking questions that I could hardly register, taking notes. I was horrified when the EMTs came in the room, taking my temperature, blood pressure, hemoglobin count. I purposefully avoided the ER because Carlisle worked there. He had been like a father to me all those years ago, and then, his nephew, who I had been madly in love with, had broken up with me when we went our separate ways in college.

"We called your father at the Police Station," Karen said.

Oh no. Charlie was going to come running and probably kill me for scaring him. I was going to be fine... right?

The EMTs rolled me out to the ambulance infront of all the cubicles on the floor. Everyone stood up to see me and stared.

I was horrified. They could have walked me out like a normal person, but the company was afraid of liability. Of course, big giant corporations were afraid of getting sued, the big dumb bastards.

In the ambulance, they turned on the siren. I was ever so thankful that I was hidden inside it. I tuned out the noise and tried to think of what had really happened. I had no idea.

I was wheeled into the ER, strapped down to the gurney. The ER hadn't changed much since I stopped having accidents that required medical attention every five minutes in high school. The same white walls with blue stripes across the ceilings and generic paintings and photographs. Charlie met me at the Triage. "Bella, what happened?" he asked. I opened my mouth, but couldn't answer.

They wheeled me into a cubicle sectioned off by a curtain. I was feeling a bit disoriented at this point, but uninjured. My fingers and limbs felt a little numb, still. I couldn't write information. Charlie sat with me, filling out forms.

"Can I get something for you to read?" he asked. I shook my head. I _could_ read, but I couldn't contemplate sentences.

The nurse took my temperature and my blood pressure and listened to me breathe.

"Miss Swan, the doctor will be in to see you in a minute," she said. "We'll probably send you for a CT scan to see if there's been some kind of brain trauma you don't remember getting."

Charlie rattled on nervously. "Maybe it's a migraine. Or a panic attack. You had some anxiety attacks in college, didn't you?"

I shrugged and waited.

I hadn't slept much the night before. I began to nod off and then, Charlie shook me awake. "Bells?" he asked. "The doctor's here."

I opened my eyes and looked into the most familiar set emerald green eyes. And unruly bronze hair.

And I seethed.

Of all the doctors to see me in the ER.

Edward Masen was back in Forks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

"Bella?" Edward asked. "Can you follow my light with your eyes?" He shone a pen light and made me follow it with my eyes. That was easy. "I want you to touch the end of my finger with yours." He held out a finger. I touched it- I could still feel the electricity between us after all these years. Yet, I still felt the anger and pain and hurt from his choice. "Now, touch your nose." I did as told. "My finger." His finger. "Your nose." I did this several times. "That's good. Name as many animals as you can until I say stop."

"Uh…" I opened my mouth and tried to form the words. Monkey. Cow. Horse. Pig. Cow. Hyena. Dog. Cat. Nothing came out.

"Okay, stop," Edward said. "Close one eye." I closed one. "Now the other." I did. "Good. Can you squeeze my hands?" he held out his hands to me. I took them and squeezed. "Good. Bella, you've had a stroke. You're suffering expressive aphasia, which means you can't speak, read or write."

I wanted shout _What? _Only old people had strokes, right? I was only twenty-eight! I didn't do drugs (well, okay, I had smoked pot for a while, done shrooms and snorted coke once) or smoke. I drank, but not often. I didn't know much about strokes except that Grandma Marie had died from one. But she was seventy-five! She smoked and was fat! I was skinny! I had been pronounced healthy at my last check-up two years ago.

I caught a glance at Charlie. His face was twisted. He looked like he was going to cry. I began to hyperventilate. "We'll run a CT scan," he said. "I'll come back and check on you."

"How could this happen?" Charlie asked, getting a box of cheap, thin tissues for me. I dabbed at my eyes and nose shakily.

"Strokes are common in women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-eight, especially in women who use hormonal contraceptives," Edward said. "That's the number two cause in her age group, although I don't see that listed on her current medications list."

"I think she should be out from work for a while," Charlie said.

Edward nodded. "FMLA. The ER has a department that can sign off on the paperwork if she had the coverage. She's going to need to be out from work."

"For how long?" Charlie asked.

"We won't know until she sees a neurologist," Edward said. "He'll probably refer her to a speech therapist, and the speech therapist will determine that amount of time. I'll have the nurse bring in a Xanax."

"Thanks," Charlie said.

Edward Masen left the room without another word to me.

"Bella, I don't know how this happened," Charlie said, trying to comfort me. "I'll call your mother." I nodded.

Alone in the ER, my chin shook. The numbness was going away. I laid in the hospital bed. Of all the doctors to visit me in the ER... It could have been Rosalie or Carlisle or Dr. Gerandy. But, who had been on call, but Edward.

Surprisingly, Jessica Stanley entered the cubicle. "Hi, Bella," she said, in her nurses scrubs. "I heard the news. I'm so sorry." I had heard that Jessica had become an LPN and was working in the Forks ER, trying to land herself a new husband for her baby. The few encounters I had had with her since high school was over, she wasn't nearly as gossipy as I remembered. She had a Xanax in a tiny, paper cup.

_I had laughed until I cried the night I found the email with Jessica's picture in Edward's inbox in high school. She had been in a pair of boyshorts and a tank top, lifting the tank top to expose her stomach, doing a "myspace" pose. I had laughed until I cried, and when Edward came into the room and saw what I was looking at, he slammed the laptop shut in embarrassment and told me never to tell anybody about it. I hadn't. Ever, although I wanted to, so, so badly. Not even his cousin, Alice, whom he lived with during high school._

And now she was standing in front of me in scrubs and an angel pin for her baby after an ass hole husband left her for a younger, blonder, skinnier model. "Just get some rest, we'll get you in the CT scan soon," she said, smoothing my hair back.

I nodded.

I laid down on the ER bed and closed my eyes, listening to a baby cry a few cubicles down.

Edward…

He had come to Forks when was 15. His brilliant, rich doctor father had been offered a job with World Heath Organization and was taking his mother along, who spoke fluent Russian. He had the option of staying in Chicago on his own; he had his hardship license and they trusted him. But, he liked the idea of living with his mother's sister, his Aunt Esme, and her husband, Carlisle, and their adopted kids, Emmett and Alice, in Forks. I had moved to Forks when my mother remarried to give her more freedom to travel with her new husband, until he found a new job as a high school baseball coach, when I sixteen. Alice had rescued me from Jessica's gossipy tour on the high school. She invited me over to hang out and read magazines after school, and that's when I met her cousin, who was like a brother like at that point, Edward. Edward and I hit it off quickly. And I thought there was nothing else in life except Edward and myself.

Charlie came back into the ER. "Renée sends her love and is coming up as soon as possible," he said. "She was in shock and started crying the moment I told her what happened. She wants you to stay calm and get some rest."

I nodded.

"She thinks you should stay with me until you're better."

I groaned at the thought.

While I was sitting in the ER waiting for my CT Scan, a familiar face came to my cubicle. "Hi," Rosalie said, sticking her head in.

"Rose!" I cried.

She dove for me, hugging me, in her scrubs and lab coat. "I can't believe this happened to you," she said. "Oh my God, Bella…"

"What's your prognosis, Rosalie?" Charlie asked. He forgot to call her Dr. Hale.

"I thought at first it was a migraine that affected her speech and expression functions. Then, I thought it was a seizure in her expressive regions, but she hasn't recovered her speech functions yet. I think Edward diagnosed her correctly, speech therapy and a neurologist can offer more help, now. I'm sorry."

"Bella, does your head hurt?" Charlie asked.

I shook my head.

"Her head doesn't have to hurt," Rose said. "Migraines don't always have pain involved. The CT Scan should help out with that. There should be lesions if she's had a stroke, but if there aren't any, it might be a migraine. But, Edward's rarely wrong. I don't doubt his prognosis."

"What does this mean?"

"She may have a heart defect," Rosalie said. "Maybe that or a blood disorder or stress or something. Lots of things can cause strokes."

"We had no idea that strokes could happen to somebody so young," Charlie said. "We're all in shock."

"It's rare in a woman who's not on birth control," Rosalie admitted, studying me. Rose wasn't known for her bedside manner with adult patients, but she reached over and stroked my cheek, her face softening.

A man in scrubs with a wheelchair opened the cubicle up. "I'm here to take Miss Swan to the CT Scan," he said. "Does she need any help getting into the wheelchair?"

I shook my head, holding up my hand.

"Okay, Bella, I'll come by later," Rosalie said. "I love you." I smiled sadly, in return. I couldn't return her love.

In the CT Scan, I remembered the story that Esme had told me about how she met Carlisle and Elizabeth met Tony. I always envisioned it like I was there. Otherwise, I'd have been bored to death.

_Liz was a freshman in college and her younger sister, the brainier between the two of them, was visiting her from high school, at Stanford. and Carlisle were a couple of first-year medical students, best friends, and they started showing off to get their attention in the quad. Esme and Elizabeth had been eating sandwiches from the Cafeteria, enjoying the sunshine. Tony tried to juggle for them- three foam balls, then four, then five, before losing them. Esme was fascinated at it. Elizabeth just shrugged and told her she had seen better in the circus their Ukrainian grandfather took them to. Carlisle had to one-up his best friend- he attempted to walk on his hands across the quad to them, but fell and busted his ass. Esme ran to him, worried that he was really hurt. He wasn't, but he played it up to get to talk to her. Esme and Carlisle started seeing each other, an odd match, seeing as she was an art major and he was a medical student, he, like Tony, was insanely rich, and the Stoslonsky girls were poor and on scholarships, but they clicked. Esme came to visit every few weekends; they came from a rough home, I later found out, although Esme and Elizabeth never told me about. Their parents were always drunk and depressed and physically abusive, but Esme and Elizabeth pulled themselves out of it through education. They didn't live in the trauma of their pasts, but I had the feeling, with their mothering attitudes to take care of everybody else's kids, it was something they carried to remember not to treat people that way._

"We're all done, Miss Swan," the CT tech said. They packed me up and took me back to my cubicle, where Charlie was waiting. There was Esme, waiting, talking to Carlisle. It was funny, since I had just been thinking about her. I hadn't seen her in a while- I tended to stay away, despite the fact that I was best friends with Alice, her daughter, and her daughter-in-law, Rosalie.

"Oh, Bella!" she cried, hugging me. She looked like she was about to cry, too. "How did this happen?" I shrugged. Even I didn't know.

She stayed with us until Edward released me. Charlie drove me home, with paper work for an emergency visit with a neurologist in Port Angeles tomorrow. "I'll take her if you need me to," Esme said.

"Cat," I said, thinking about Tessa, my tabby cat, alone in my apartment.

"I'll get her," Esme said. The feeling had returned to my fingers. "I love you so much, Bella. Charlie, don't hesitate to call me if she needs anything." Charlie nodded. "I'll be back with Tessa, soon."

"Bella, why don't you go to bed, get some rest?" Charlie asked.

I hugged Esme and went upstairs to my room. The blue walls hadn't changed. I had moved out when I was 18, to go to the University of Washington Tacoma. I had tried to keep up a relationship with Edward there, although he went to school out of the country at Oxford, simply because he was presented with the opportunity and it was closer the former Soviet countries where his parents were working with the WHO. I remembered the loneliness of Edward leaving me here, on the other side of the world, how we had discussed it until I was blue in the face, my cheeks were raw with tears.

I tried to distract myself with some easy reading, my old, worn dog-eared copy of _the Giver_, but even when I tried, I couldn't string together the words in the sentences. I couldn't fucking read! How the fuck did this shit happen to me?!

I threw the book across the room and climbed into the bed. And I was stuck thinking about the things that were on my mind: Edward, specifically.

Somewhere, between my break up with Edward and here, I had made myself a wreck.

It still ached.

I remembered sleeping beside him on nights that I was supposed to be having a sleepover with Alice. He smelled like aspen pine and dove soap and spices. I loved laying next to him, smelling my clothing when I had been pressed him for hours. He was beautiful, too. Even now. He had strict, model-like features, and pale, perfect skin. His muscles had filled out now, but he was still toned and wiry under his scrubs. His unruly hair was so silky, so beautiful, I longed to rake my hands through it even now, just to see if my memories were as real as I remembered. Then, the memory of the day I got to for the first time flooded my damaged brain. And I never wanted to let him go. His eyes, I could get lost in those bottle-green stars. I had only known him a few weeks, and I had convinced myself I was going to spend my life with him. How silly of me to think that. I was young- I thought I knew everything, then.

I woke up to Tessa curled up behind my legs. It was almost four in the morning. I was hungry, so I went downstairs to the kitchen to see if Charlie had any good milk and cereal. The milk wasn't good, almost chunky, it was so soured. I attempted to make a grocery list and was proud of myself when I made a decent list. I could write like normal! And then, I realized I had written down milk three times in a row, once after cereal, again after pancake mix and eggs, and then again after lettuce and eggs. Shit.

I made myself some scrambled eggs and sat down to breakfast.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I ate in the kitchen and fed Tessa. Somebody had set up the catbox, too. I went to the living room to watch Charlie's new flatscreen TV, and realized there was a tiny form curled up on the couch. It stirred when I walked in. "Oh, Bella!" It was Alice. "How are you?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but all I could do was stutter. She jumped off the couch and threw her arms around me. She had moved in with Rosalie's twin brother, Jasper, who was also a doctor, in private practice for pediatrics back in college, and they got married the summer before he started medical school. It had been coincidence that they all ended up back in Forks. Edward had stayed away, which was better for me. I loved that he did, it hurt too much for me to face him. And I hated my jealous face in public. Out of sight, out of mind.

"I don't care, I know you can't talk," she said. "I was so scared when Mom called and told me! Don't worry, we're going to get you better!"

"Mmm," I said. There was nothing else I could say.

Alice.

Alice was the first person I ever became friends with in Forks.

_I had brought money to buy lunch on my first day at Forks High, and all the cafeteria made was greasy pizza and French fries. "Don't eat that stuff! You'll have a heart attack by the time you're thirty!" Alice cried. "Come on, sit with us." I looked over at Jessica Stanley, who was standing with Lauren Mallory. They were standing together, whispering behind their hands, staring at me. I had had an invitation to eat lunch with them. But I knew it was like eating lunch in a lion's den. I would be food for them._

_I sat down with Alice. "What's good to eat here?" I asked, following her._

_"Nothing here," Alice said. I sat down beside her, and she unfurled a black case of fresh sushi rolls. I had only eaten them a few times and they were good. "I can never eat all of these, they always go to waste. You want some?"_

_"Um, sure," I said. She handed me a pair of chop sticks, and clumsily held them._

_"Here," she said. "Make a triangle with the tips."_

_She showed me how to use them, and she asked me if I wanted some Wasabi. Suddenly, a giant, dark-haired man-boy with lots of muscles started yelling "Wasabi! Wasabi!" like that Budweiser commercial in the Chinese restaurant that was a take on the "Wassup?" gag. Everyone at the table thought he was funny, except the tall, pretty blonde. I was quickly introduced to Jasper, Alice's boyfriend, and his twin sister, Rosalie, the tall pretty blonde, and Alice's older brother Emmett, the Wasabi dork, who was also Rosalie's boyfriend. And then, there was Mike Newton, who looked at me like I was a piece of meat, and then there was Ben Cheney, a short Asian dork, and then there was Angela, Ben's girlfriend, a tall girl who was quiet and sweet. Alice quickly explained that her cousin Edward was usually there, but he was sick today and staying home from school. Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett were seniors, and everybody else was juniors._

_Alice, Angela and Rosalie invited me over to read magazines at Alice's house after school. Charlie wasn't due home until around five-thirty, so I went. Alice's house was huge. I met Esme for the first time, and she made us cookies. Rosalie didn't eat any because she had a pageant and her mother was riding her butt about her weight, again. Esme encouraged us to finish the cookies off because the boys would do it if we didn't. I liked Esme. She was sweet and what I wished my mother was like, sometimes, when I got tired of being the parent. Around the time we finished the cookies, Edward came downstairs. He had a cold, but I looked at him and my heart skipped a beat. He was so beautiful, despite being under the weather._

_Esme introduced us. Edward was feeling better and determined to go back to class. We compared class schedules, and it turned out we had five classes together. I meant to go upstairs to Alice's room with Angela and Rosalie, too, but I was so busy talking to Edward, they sneaked out without me._

_I sat on the covered back porch with Edward, just talking with him, between his sniffles and coughs. His crooked smile made me feel like the sun was shining on me._

My memories weren't damaged, at least.

After I took a shower in my childhood bathroom, Alice did a manicure and pedicure on me. She talked nervously, while I nodded and made noises like "Uh-huh" and "Yeah" and "No" and "Huh-uh." She talked about the mundane.

She and Jasper were ready to try to have a baby, too, like Ang and Jacob, so they were having sex like bunny rabbits. She was thinking about cutting her hair off, again. Her dad was thinking about taking a sabbatical to do a mission trip for the WHO like Tony. She was thinking about painting her living room. She thought I should move in with her, now that I was sick, instead of living off of Charlie. She was just rattling off things because I couldn't talk, I knew I'd be in the way of her and Jasper trying to concieve. Tessa came down and she picked her up to pet her while my nails and toenails dried.

"Oh God, Bella, I'm so scared. How did this _happen_ to you? How do we _stop_ it?" Alice suddenly blurted out through tears. I shrugged. I turned on the TV and found the _Today_ show.

We watched for a few minutes until Charlie came downstairs.

"Morning," Charlie said grimly, although I knew he loved my friends. "How are you feeling this morning, Bells?"

I shrugged.

"Alice came over after work last night," Charlie said. "I let her stay the night."

"Yeah."

"We're going to go to the hospital this morning," Charlie said. "Alice, you can come with us."

"I will," Alice said. "Definitely."

We went to the hospital and I had appointment after appointment after appointment. The neurologist's office did an MRI on me. It was like being in a loud drainage tube with earplugs. I had to entertain myself with my own thoughts.

My brain went back to Edward.

_"I like him," Renée said, watching as Edward and Phil rigged the sail. I gripped the rail and clutched my stomach. I was going to puke if I didn't focus on the horizon. "Oh Bella, you always had a weak stomach."_

_"Thar she blows!" Phil kidded. Edward grinned- that crooked grin._

_I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Does he have to joke like that?"_

_"You know he's just kidding," Renée said. I had only been seeing Edward a few weeks, and we had talked Charlie into going to Jacksonville together to see my mother and stepfather. He wanted to meet them. I wanted him to meet them. It was spring break and people were frolicking on the beach in their swimsuits. I, for one, had not removed my spaghetti strap tank top and shorts. My limbs were white enough. I had my bathing suit on under it, but I wasn't going to let Edward see me in it, just yet. Edward thought I was anorexic, I rarely ate in front of him, either, although I ate in front of everybody else just fine. I didn't want him to think I was pig._

_As we pulled into the dock and moored the boat, I climbed off thankfully. My legs almost collapsed under me as I stepped onto the sturdy deck. "You want to go for a swim?" Edward asked me._

_"Um, no, that's okay, if you want to go, feel free," I said, playing with the hem of my shirt._

_I did this to him several times that week, until he finally just snapped, "Bella, what's the problem? Do you not know how to swim?"_

_"No!" I cried. I needed to tell him the truth… well, part of it, anyways. "I'm so pale, I'll look like a freak out here!"_

_"Hello, vanilla white boy here," he said, holding up his toned, pale arm, pointing at it. "I like how pale you are. Are you afraid for me to see you in your bathing suit?" _

_I blushed quickly, heavily. "No!"_

_"Yeah, you are," he said. "Would it help if I wore a Speedo?"_

_I accidentally laughed when he said that. "You really brought a Speedo?"_

_"No, but I can buy one," he offered._

_"Don't," I said. In the morning, when all the young people were sleeping off their hang overs, Edward and I went with Renée to the beach, where we took off our cover-up clothing and tried to go out to the water without looking too much at each other and took a bucket. We were like white beacons on the beach, with no tans, sun block on before leaving the house. I had small breasts back then, I was hardly out of an A cup, it made me nervous. It was freezing, of course, in the water. Edward and I swam to the sandbar. It took forever to get there, it seemed a lot closer when we scanned it from the beach. The sanddollars were laying, all green and fuzzy. I didn't like the way they felt at first, but we took them back to the beach in the bucket and made a sandcastle and decorated it with a few sanddollars. We took them home around lunch time, and Renée gave us some bleach from the laundry room after we dried them out to make them white to take home to our friends. I still had some of those sanddollars in my apartment. _

_They were still as white as this MRI tube._

The loud noise around me stopped. I had retreated into my mind to avoid claustrophobia. The table moved forward.

It was over. I was allowed to put my jewelry on and take the earplugs out and go to whatever next appointment we had. By now, it was almost 3pm. I was starving.

Alice came along with McDonald's. We ate quickly, knowing that I didn't have a lot of time. I usually hated McDonald's, but today I had to shovel it in, having no other option.

The cardiologist's office took me into a room with Alice. The nurse asked me to take off all my clothes from the waist up so she could hook me up to an EKG machine, which was like a small purse with a weird little tape recorder that I was going to wear for 24 hours. I had to sit there, topless, while a strange woman connected sticky wire pads to my whole torso. Alice had seen me naked in gym class during the showers, but it had been a long time.

The cardiologist told me that I was going to get a TEE- a trans-esophageal echo. They were going to put me under partial sedation, so I wouldn't remember, and they'd stick a light down my throat after numbing my gag reflexes. Then, they'd turn the light on and check for holes in my heart through the light in my chest. I was promised I wouldn't remember any of this.

By now, I was exhausted. We went to the drug store and got my blood thinner prescriptions filled.

Aggrenox. Twice a day. And Zoloft for anticipated depression and anxiety. Super. I hated prescriptions. They made you feel funny and not like yourself. And mood-changers?

"_Bella, do you really want to be on antibiotics?" Edward asked, browsing the gum and mints. "Your body gets used to them after a while and they become ineffective."_

_It was winter of our senior year and I had sinus infection._

_"Your parents are coming here and I don't want to be sick," I said. "It's been hell to get through mid-terms."_

_"I know," he said. "But you did."_

_"Do you think they'll like me?" _

_"Of course," he said. "My Mom's a lot like Aunt Esme."_

_I didn't have any Aunts. Both my parents were only children. I liked being around the Cullen/Masen family. I felt like I had cousins and siblings and an Aunt and Uncle with Carlisle and Esme, for once. I could simply walk into the Cullen house and open up the refrigerator and pig out and turn on a DVD and fight with them over the remote or spend the night there if Charlie was working overnight (with permission of course). It was like a second home. And I wanted so badly for his mother and father to like me. I didn't want anything to change my acceptance in the Cullen household._

Home. What was really home to me, now? A bug-infested apartment that I couldn't paint? Or was it Charlie's little two-bedroom house on the edge of town?

I could finally say monosyllabatic words.

"Home."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I wanted to hate Edward for diagnosing me with a stroke. But, I knew this wasn't his fault.

Renée came up as quickly as possible. "I've been so worried," she said, enveloping me into a hug. She held me for a few minutes and cried. I was a stroke victim. It had sunk in with me, now.

"Mom," I said. I formed my words and it was so difficult.

"Take your time, Bella."

"Stay… in… my room."

She nodded. "Of course."

In my old bedroom, I curled up next to my mother, smelling the familiar scent of her. She smelled like cranberries and warm sugar. It was a Christmas-like scent, but she had it year-round. It was something I missed. I had a lotion from Bath and Body Works that was warm sugar and another that was cranberry that I liked to wear together when I missed her too much.

"You know," Renée said. "You used to always be the parent. You always took care of me. And now, you need to be taken care of, baby."

"Yeah."

"I'll stay until you can talk again."

"Mmm-hmm."

_

* * *

"Bella, I've met somebody," Angela said, her cheeks turning pink. I thought she'd never get over Ben. We walked through the mall together. We were about to become seniors in college and Edward had chosen England over me last fall. I had sobbed and felt sorry for myself for a while, now. Now, it was Angela's turn to talk, finally. I hardly knew what was going on with her since she and Ben broke up._

_"What's his name?"_

_"You know him," Angela said nervously. "Jacob Black."_

_I felt like I had been punched in the chest. "Jake?" I asked. My Jake?_

_"Yeah."_

_"Angela, you can't see him," I said, like a petty child._

_"Was there something between the two of you?" she asked. "Is that why you broke up with Edward?"_

_"He's my backup."_

_Angela frowned and glared. She never glared. "Backup? Oh, so I can't even have your leftovers, Bella? Your sloppy seconds?"_

_"No, I didn't say that!"_

_"I get it," she said, turning around. "I'm only good enough for a roadmap like Ben Cheney, is that it?"_

_Angela turned around and left me in front of Marks and Morgan. I chased after her. "You can't see him because… because I slept with him right after I broke up with Edward."_

_Angela stopped. She contemplated what this all meant. "I can't believe you didn't tell me," she said softly. "I can't believe you didn't tell __us__," she said, referring to Rose, Alice and herself.  
_

_I couldn't believe it was all tumbling out like this- in the middle of the mall. I wasn't proud of what I had done. It was slutty and selfish and I'd be lucky if Jake ever spoke to me again. I hadn't thought of anybody but myself. Charlie would be devistated if he knew. I was sure Billy had found out by now. I sat down and hung my head. "Ang, I'm sorry..."_

_"I guess your friends aren't that important," she sneered. It was the first time I had ever heard her angry. "I guess you've got better friends. Or you're just being stuck-up and causing dram-"_

_"I was too ashamed, okay?... I used him…Has he even told you he's not a virgin, yet?" I asked. She didn't say anything to me, wouldn't look me in the eye. Angela was still a virgin and she prided herself on her purity. She admitted once in high school that she wanted to marry another virgin. I decided to play on that to get off the true subject. "Do you even want to be with somebody who wasn't a virgin when you met him?"_

_"Honestly? No."_

_"What?!" Talk about shocking people._

_"Bella," she said softly. "For some reason, that doesn't matter to me, now. We haven't even had that talk, yet. And he really likes me a lot."_

_I felt like a total piece of shit, suddenly. People change, I realized. You don't want the same thing you wanted when you were seventeen-years-old.  
_

* * *

"Aunt B!" Will yelled.

"Hi," I said. Will padded across the floor to me. I picked him up and hugged him. Will Black was a big blessing in a small package (for now) in my life. He was the son of Jacob and Angela. He was going to grow up to be a giant. After a lot of crying and confessions and talking it out, Jacob and Angela allowed me to be the godmother.

"Is this Will?" Renée asked.

"Uh-huh," I said. Will had beat Angela and Jacob into the house.

"Hi, Renée," Angela said, coming inside. She was three months along with her second baby. She was so tall, she didn't show, yet, but she always rested her hand on her tummy out of habit when she was pregnant. Will wanted to go back to Ang. "How's she doing?"

"They got the heart monitor off of her this morning," Renée said. "You just can't understand how worried I am."

"I have an idea," Angela said, squeezing her son to her tightly.

"Bells!" Jake said, entering the room. He took me into his arms and hugged me- hard. I squeezed him back and he lifted me off the floor. All the stupid stuff and drama between us in that gone on after high school and in college seemed to fade away when things got serious between him and Angela. I loved Angela too much to let my own bullshit actions from when I was young and on the rebound. It had been a lesson in humility and sacrificing pride for friendship. "How do you feel?"

I shrugged. I was getting tired of people asking me that.

"Alice told me that Edward was back- and working in the ER," Renée said to Angela. "You know she never got over him," she whispered to Angela, although Jacob heard it.

"Mom!" I shouted. Jacob chuckled, as did Angela.

"That's no secret between friends," Angela said. "I'm sure Bella isn't thrilled, are you Bell?"

I didn't know Renée knew that. "Well, you were seeing him for over a year. I know teenage boys," Renée said. "Charlie used to be one." _You remarried one,_ I thought bitterly. "You can't commit to anybody since him."

"I don't think I can be a daddy to a girl, I hope this one's a boy," Jacob said, touching Angela's stomach. "You know what they say about..."

"Yes, when you have a boy, you've got a penis to worry about. When you have a little girl, you have a whole world of penises to worry about," Angela said.

Renée laughed. "I love your friends, Bella," she sighed. "Are you sure I can't talk you into coming back to Jacksonville?"

I shook my head. I would, in no way, miss Angela's new baby's birth. She had given birth to Will at home with Emily Young as her midwife, and she was planning on doing it again. She told Renée about giving birth at home, which absolutely fascinated her. The Quileutes had accepted her as a member of the tribe when she gave birth to Will. She insisted on exploring the Quileute traditions for her family, now. Jacob was proud of that.

"So, what names are you thinking about for the baby?" Renée asked.

"Wendi if it's a girl," Jacob said. "It's my mother's name. If it's a boy, Jacob the third."

"He's just kidding. Will's full name is Jacob William Black the second," Angela said. "We're thinking about naming the boy Matthew. It's a family name for me."

"I like Wendi," Renée said. I nodded in agreement.

"Me too."

"Oh!" Renée cried, looking at me. "That was a full sentence, Bella!"

My speech was coming back, as the neurologist said it would over the next two weeks. They said that 90 per cent of what I would regain would come back within six months to a year. I was curious to see if it would. I was tired of not being able to read and having to settle for watching TV with Charlie.

* * *

The TEE was going to be a morning-long affair. I wasn't able to eat all morning, but they had me change into a hospital robe and spray a foul-tasting anesthetic into my throat. They put a breathing mask over my nose and throat told me to count backwards from 100 in my mind and that this would all be over before I knew it.

I woke up to a familiar pair of green eyes.

"Edward?"

"Miss Swan, just rest," the nurse said. I always hated it when people called me _Miss Swan._ I always thought of Miss Swan on _Mad TV_ and the Pretty Happy Beauty Nail Salon and _He Looka-Lika-Man._ I watched it with Edward back in high school in the Cullen's living room, and (when I got to know him better) in his bed before falling asleep.

"Hi," I said, since I couldn't ask Edward politely how he was without sounding like a fumbling idiot.

"Hi, Bella," he said, sitting down. The nurse left the room.

_Our first kiss was in the car after we had driven up to Port Angeles for a movie as a group. Edward and I stole off together to explore the mall since Mike Newton had been following me, trying to touch my shoulder, my arm, my hand, etc. We stopped in front of Hot Topic, where I saw a pretty top. "I like that."_

_"Me too," Edward replied. "I'll get it for you."_

_"No!" I cried. "I'm going to get a job this spring."_

_"You can owe me."_

_"No," I muttered. A group of emo kids stopped in front of Hot Topic and started crying. Edward grabbed my arm and dragged me inside._

_I got the top in my side- a size 2/0, then- and tried it on in the dressing room. It was a gingham corset tube top that laced up and I had no practical use for it. I changed back into my sensible waffle-print V-neck top from J-Crew that I had found in a thrift shop in Phoenix._

_"Did you like it?" Edward asked._

_"It's not practical."_

_"Yeah, so?" he asked, looking at the magnets. "Did it fit?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I'll get it anyway." He ran into my dressing room and grabbed it and took it to the check-out, despite my protests, swiping his Am Ex black card. I had never seen one or heard of one before. "Here," he said, handing me the Hot Topic bag. It was like something Alice would have worn. The crying Emo kids glowered at us as we made a run for the movie theatre._

_We went back to the parking lot where everyone was waiting. "So, what did you guys do?" Emmett asked, waggling his eye brows._

_"She got a top," Edward said._

_"Let's see!" Alice cried._

_"No!" I cried._

_"Come on!" Alice goaded. I got the top out of the bag and held it up. "Can I borrow that, sometime?"_

_"I don't know where you're going to wear it," I said._

_Mike was still making puppy eyes at me, so I agreed to ride home with Edward. We laughed at Mike the whole way._

_"So, where are you going wear that?" Edward asked me._

_I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "Charlie would freak if he saw me in it."_

_"What if I took you out?"_

_"Like on a date?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I already owe you for the top."_

_"You can pay me back for it," Edward said. "One kiss."_

_"That's blackmail!" I cried, although I wanted to kiss Edward. I had thought about it- wishing I could do things like touch his hair and touch his back. But, I was too nervous to actually do it._

_"Okay, you can just pay me back for that top when you get a job," he said, wistfully._

_"Okay, one kiss," I said. "Only one." I leaned over and pecked him on the cheek._

_"That's not a kiss!" he cried. "It has to be on the lips!"_

_"No!" I shrieked._

_"Yes!" he replied. "Do it, now!"_

_"Fine!" I cried. I leaned over and kissed him, chastely, on the lips. I had never really kissed anybody before, but my lips tingled when they came in contact with his. I pulled away, grinning, afraid of what I had just done._

_"That sucked," he scoffed. "Kiss me again, or I'm taking that thing and getting my card credited back!"_

_I took a deep breath._

_"I'll give it to Alice!" he threatened. __I leaned in again, and kissed him again. A full kiss, sucking on his lower lip, and opening my mouth to him, slightly. I wasn't quite sure how to describe it at the time; his lips were pliable, melted into mine. He held the back of my head to keep me in place so he could extend the kiss. I didn't mind it. I heard a slight moan escape from the back of my throat- and I shrank back, embarrassed._

_"I'm sorry," I whispered, and got out of the car. It wasn't until I was in Charlie's house, gathering my pajamas that I realized I had forgotten the Hot Topic bag._

How we had gone from innocent school children kissing in a car to jaded exes, I seemed like a long story waiting to be told.

"You can't interrupt me, now," he said. "So, I guess I can say all I've wanted to."

I wanted to shout, _Is that why you came back to Forks? To piss me off?_

"I'll never forgive you for that ultimatum," he said. "That wasn't fair, Bella. You know it. You tried to make me chose between my parents and you. You should have known you were going to lose on that."

"You... make... it... _wwwwork_," I said.

"Oh, I see I'm too late," Edward said. "You're learning to speak, again."

"_Sorry_," I said, although I clearly wasn't. Venom dripped from my voice.

"I'll be at Carlisle's birthday party. I'm not missing it. Just so you know," he said. "Get well soon, Bella."

I wanted to flip him off as he exited the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

My speech was so much better that I was allowed to drive by the neurologist and Renée made plans to go home soon, but didn't until I was done with the two week ban from driving the neuro put me on.

News traveled fast in a small town. At Carlisle's birthday party, everybody wanted to know about my stroke. They wanted to know if I was okay. I told them, despite my stutter, that I was alright and starting speech therapy in Port Angeles.

I took a trip upstairs to Alice's old room, where a more private bathroom was, so I could pee without people knocking on the door and making me jump. Afterwards, I laid down on her bed and closed my eyes. I didn't want to think about all that was coming up. I brushed my hair back off my shoulders and breathed the cooler air. The cardiologist had called me back and said there wasn't anything abnormal about my TEE or my EKG. So, I was scheduled to meet a Hematologist to see if I had some rare blood disease. I had so much blood drawn out of me already, it was ridiculous. I no longer had a fear of blood now, or needles.

I was one door down from Edward's old room. I had spent the night here twice before Edward and I started seeing each other, officially. After this, I usually spent the nights in Edward's room when he was home. Carlisle and Esme allowed it after Esme sat me down for a long birth control discussion which left me red in the face for about a day. I was pretty sure Edward got the same treatment from Carlisle. It was only logical since I was friends with Alice and girlfriend of Edward at the time. They wanted all their bases covered. Eventually, it happened.

_Of course, I didn't tell Charlie at that time. He found out, quite by accident when he found condoms in my truck's glove compartment. He blew up and didn't speak to me for three days. When he did talk to me, it was angry, three-word sentences for a month or so. He didn't allow Edward in the house for a month, either. I had to sneak around school to see Edward, and I wasn't allowed at the Cullen's house at all. Carlisle hadn't reacted so badly- he actually caught us. He had actually walked in on us and grimaced and said, "Please tell me you're using a condom." I clapped my hands over my face, but Edward just nodded. "Just finish up and meet me downstairs." He didn't expect us to just stop. We had a long discussion about what this meant, later. Neither of our parents allowed us in the other's bedroom at all, so sex didn't happen easily. They weren't stupid. They made it hard on us._

Carlisle reiterated the dangers of unprotected sex. God, that was classic. Had things worked out, I'd have told my friends about it and we'd probably have laughed our asses off about it today. In Alice's old bathroom, I found her old jar of Clinique repairware foundation in the medicine cabinet. I put it on the tip of my nose over a freckle and close the mirrored door and stared at myself. I rubbed it into my nose after a minute.

_Edward was my first of so many things. My first love, my first slow dance, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. It was funny that Renée knew that I had lost my virginity to Edward, yet I never told her. She just asked me once while I had gone to visit her in Jacksonville and I got mad at her and wouldn't answer. Kids never had to tell their parents the really important stuff- they just knew._

_How had Renée not known that things were going to end so badly? Well… she had warned me how difficult long distance relationships were. But, she, for some reason, had faith in us. Elizabeth did, too. Things went so badly. For me. I don't know what happened for Edward. His life was charmed, as far as I knew.  
_

Edward's family was rich. WASP rich. The Masens didn't come over on the _Mayflower_, but they did come over with the Pilgrims, as did the Cullens. They were blue bloods in America. They had more money than God, it was ridiculous, but they never let on, just like Carlisle's family. They weren't accepted by the billionaires in New York or LA or Chicago. That was probably part of Tony and Elizabeth's choice to join the WHO. They certainly didn't live like it. They didn't stop at the fundraisers to help those less fortunate; they got their hands in the actual dirt, so to speak. They went to India and Somalia and South Africa and lived in tiny huts without A/C and running water to perform medical surgeries these poor people didn't have a chance of obtaining, let alone, paying for. It was obvious they had a lot of money, like doctor-money, but they also had money on top of that. The Cullens thought about doing the same.

The Cullens had a big house and Carlisle drove a Mercedes and Esme drove a Subaru Outback station wagon until Emmett and Alice were old enough to drive themselves, then she drove a Lexus convertible. And, Emmett, Edward, and Alice drove used cars, although they were nice cars, and held after-school jobs, until they hit some goals and graduated high school. I knew that they had credit cards, but Alice asked me to keep it private. They had had problems in Snohomish with gossips and jerks hitting them up for money. It was horrifying to Alice to imagine Jessica and Lauren finding out about their credit cards.

_It came up the night before senior year started when Emmett and Rosalie came into the living room and Rosalie had a rock on her hand- two carats. Carlisle and Esme were surprised, but excited. They married young, too. I later asked Edward "didn't they know? How didn't they know about the money they Emmett spent on the engagement ring?" Edward explained how rich his family was. I was shocked, but he begged me not to tell people, especially not my father. He'd tell Charlie in due time. He explained that's why he liked to buy presents for me- spending money wasn't a big deal for him. It was for me. I was suddenly embarrassed by his presents. I couldn't accept them now._

I still had a few presents from Edward in my apartment. A necklace he had given me for Prom our junior year. The hiking boots he bought me when the Cullens took me camping the first time. They still fit, too. A copy of _The Secret of Roan Inish_, still one of my favorite movies on DVD. A pair of baby booties with the Cubs logo on them for his hometown team. I blinked away tears. We thought we'd get married and have babies together.

_We were walking by a sports shop in Port Angeles and he saw the Cubbies booties and insisted on buying them. I dreamed of babies with fat cheeks and living in a rambling Gothic Victorian mansion with him, pushing antique baby carriages down the street. We were careful, so I had never been pregnant, but he insisted on buying them and putting them in a ziplock baggie that said, "Our baby" When Charlie saw it, he blew up, thinking I was pregnant, and I told him, I wasn't, and he asked me why I had baby clothes in my room. "Because I want to have kids with him when I marry him," I said. "And our babies will wear these." Charlie looked like he was going to cry and then asked me if he had proposed, yet. I said no, but we had made plans. We'd get married after undergraduate. He'd go to medical school and I'd go with him to wherever he attended. While was doing his internships, maybe we'd start a family. Edward wanted me to have my education and a career that made me happy. He already dreamed of being a doctor. _

_Doctors put people back together. Now, I wished somebody would put me back together._

The door opened- it was Esme. "Bella, there you are!" she cried. "Guess who's here?"

"Who?" I asked.

"Tony and Liz," Esme said. "They want to see you, especially with… all that's happened."

"I didn't know they were here."

"They've been staying at Edward's," she said. "Reliving old times?" she asked, gazing around Alice's childhood bedroom.

"I guess you could say that."

I didn't feel good about having about seeing them again. It wasn't that they didn't like me when I was dating Edward. They had- a lot. Alice told me that Liz was a little bit psychic, that she could just look at Edward and just _tell_ things about him. Over the years, she had gotten better about it with Emmett and Alice, and later with Jasper and Angela and Rosalie. The few times I met them, I felt like she had known me all my life.

_Esme and Liz were poor girls from a Ukrainian immigrant neighborhood in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. They were close as ever, despite the distance. Elizabeth was the only one that was only able to give birth after several miscarriages and a stillborn birth. Esme had several miscarriages before the doctors told her that she was going to have to have a partial hysterectomy. Liz told her not to give up hope. Esme felt slapped in the face, because Liz had just had a baby, a healthy one, named Edward._

_It was almost a year to the date, Esme was waiting for her appointment at her doctor's office in Knoxville, where Carlisle was doing his surgical internship, when she saw a big, fat woman with gap teeth, yelling and smacking a cute, fat little boy who wasn't yet two on the butt, and a holding a three-month-old baby girl with jet-black fuzz on her head. Esme played with the little boy for a few minutes, and he gave her a guarded smile. He had curly black hair and blue, blue eyes, as did the little girl. He was quite obviously her brother. He was quite protective of the baby girl. "He's so cute," she told the mother._

_"You want 'em, you can have 'em," the mother spit out. Esme gasped. "They're up for adoption, I'm just their foster mother."_

_Esme and Carlisle kept track of the two little children, whose names were Emmett and Mary McCarty. They had the same mother, but different fathers. They were born in Sevierville, Tennessee, and their mother surrendered them to the state because she was pronounced an unfit mother. Liz called and said that Esme was going to have children- two of them. Esme almost cried. The state awarded Mary and Emmett to Carlisle and Esme very quickly when Carlisle greased some wheels, so to speak. Esme's stillborn had been named Mary Ann, so to call the girl Mary would be too painful, so they began to call her by her middle name, Alice. Luckily, neither of them remembered anything about their birth mother or their time in foster care. Esme and Carlisle found fulfillment in being adoptive parents and stopped trying to have babies of their own. Alice and Emmett wanted for nothing and grew up very happy, not wanting to know their birth parents, although their birth parents sought them out when they found out how much money Carlisle had. Edward told me the whole story. Esme and Liz would never tell me._

Downstairs, I followed Esme out, and saw Tony and Liz standing by the fireplace chatting with Dr. Gerandy and his wife.

Liz looked up when she saw me. "Bella!" she cried. She abandoned the Gerandys and hugged me. "I almost called you around Halloween, but I felt like it wasn't my place anymore. I had this horrible feeling."

I smiled. "You- you didn't- have to- Liz, it's not-"

"Take your time," she said, and stroked my hair. "I know it's hard to talk."

I nodded. I slowly told her how I didn't blame her, very carefully forming my words so I could be clearer.

"I heard you have a cat, now," she said as we refreshed our drinks.

"Mmm-hmm," I said. "Tessa."

"Did they find anything on your TEE?" Tony asked. I shook my head. "Carlisle told me you had one. You know we still think of you as one our own."

I blushed.

"I know, I know…"

"I think it's a heart problem, personally," Liz said. "In more way than one."

"Liz," Tony warned.

Something caught my eye- the Newtons were here. I took a shaky breath in- Mike had his new wife here. They had just had a baby, too.

It was time to leave.

"I- I have to- to- go," I stuttered.

"Bella, we just got here!" Tony cried.

Mike turned around, his arm around his wife's shoulder. He looked at me and his eyes narrowed. I rushed my eyes away from his and found myself looking into Liz's. They were deep, bottomless green pools… Like Edward's. Like Edward's, they held secrets. And now, she knew everything.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

_Mike was home from college after our junior year. I was still wandering around in a daze, shrooming and smoking up on the backporch when Charlie wasn't home. I wondered how in the hell he didn't notice. I was without my best friends. Alice was at a fashion internship in New York and Rosalie was a camp counselor out near the Macaw Reservation. Jacob wasn't seeing me, but I had almost lost Angela's friendship by sticking my foot in my mouth. Angela was head over heels for Jacob and spending all her spare time in La Push, now. I couldn't go out and be with them, obviously. I was hanging out with Jessica and Lauren for some God-forsaken reason and we sat around in the shed behind Lauren's house and shroomed and smoked up because there was nothing better to do._

_Mike asked me to go to the movies with him in Port Angeles while I was out running errands for Charlie. I had never been attracted to Mike, but Mike crazy about me. It had been horrifying to him that Edward had swept me off my feet so quickly four years ago. I hardly paid attention to the movie, but I asked him to come back to my house when we got back from Port Angeles. Charlie was working a night shift._

_I got out my secret bottle of vanilla vodka. "Wanna do shots?" I asked. Mike nodded eagerly. I just wanted to be drunk with him to give me an excuse._

_I didn't know any drinking games, but Mike did. We played "Never have I ever." The first thing he asked was "Never have I ever fucked Edward Masen."_

_"Do I have to drink for every time I fucked him?" I asked, downing my shot. _

_He groaned when I drank. "No."_

_"What were you expecting?" I asked. "We were together three years, of course we did it!"_

_"Okay, okay." Mike grumbled._

_"Okay. Never have I ever been walked in on by a parent," I said. We both drank, and I laughed at him._

_"Never have I ever performed oral sex," I said. I was the only one to drink. "I can't believe you've never done it __for__ someone!"_

_"I don't know how to do it," Mike said._

_"I'll show you."_

_"Did Masen do it for you?" he asked, grimacing._

_"__Edward__ knew how to bring me off," I said. "Have you ever brought a girl off?"_

_"You forgot to say 'Never have I ever,'" Mike snorted. I stood up and took off my jeans, and tank top. "Are you serious?"_

_"Can you handle it, Mike?" I asked, standing there in my panties and bra._

_"Sure, I've boned tons of girls."_

_"But, do you know how to really make them orgasm?" I asked, raising an eyebrow._

_"Sure I do," he scoffed. I was sure he was full of shit._

_"Girls know how to fake it," I said, taking off my bra. My breasts had finally grown, I finally had a set. His eyes almost popped out of his head. I sat down on the bed. "Take off your clothes."_

_"I can't believe this," he muttered, taking off his shirt. He was a little heavier than in high school, his stomach was a little chunkier. I'd put up with it. I opened up my legs, and he stood up. Mike stood up to take off his khakis._

_"Even your underwear." Mike sighed and took of his tighty-whities. He had lily-white hips, like Edward. Mike had dark blonde pubic hair and small purple penis, like a field mouse. Well, it wasn't that small, but he wasn't as well endowed as Edward. And Jacob had a freakishly large penis. I sighed, too._

_"So, are you going to take __your__ underwear off?" he asked._

_"In time," I replied, putting a foot up on the bed, resting my chin on my knee. "You're forgetting foreplay. You have to kiss me," I said. He kneeled and pressed his lips to mine, hastily. "That's not very good. Take your time, this isn't a race."_

_"You're killing me, Bella."_

_"Explore the rest of me," I said, laying down on the bed. Mike laid down beside me, pressing eager kisses to my lips. He went straight for my nipples. "No," I said. "Avoid the obvious areas."_

_Mike was a good student._

_I figured out that he wasn't as experienced as he said he was, obviously. After some instruction on how to treat a woman, I came for him. "See, you did it."_

_"Wow," Mike said, getting up._

_"See? You can tell," I said, taking his hand, and pushing it into my core where I had gotten completely wet. He groaned, and took me with his other arm and kissed me._

_"Bella, I've waited so long for you," he moaned, kissing me. He hadn't even wiped his face off. He pushed into me and began to pump away._

_"I want you, too, Mike," I lied. I didn't really, but I had schooled him in certain ways, now he had to get his cookies, so to speak. I made all the appropriate noises and there was a little orgasm left over in the nerve endings, so I couldn't help it. My walls clenched around his member and I came, again- quickly, shouting. I had to remind myself not to shout a name. He shouted mine._

_"Oh, Bella," he said, stroking my face. "I don't know what this means, but I am so happy right now."_

_This was an one-time thing. A stupid thing. A drunken lesson on how to please women in bed. I went to it knowing this. How did I tell Mike this? I was still reeling from the break up with Edward. "Um, Mike…"_

_"I have loved you for so long."_

_"Mike, you're rushing into things."_

_"No, I'm not," he said. "I never gave up on you!" He kissed me again. He was getting so tired, he fell asleep beside me, a smile on his lips. I tried to get out of bed to go to the closet to get dressed, but woke him up to my naked form, as I sobered up._

_"Mike, you need to get dressed," I said. "My Dad's going to be home, soon."_

_"I know," he said. "I'm going to make you so happy-"_

_"Mike, stop!"_

_"What?"_

_"Mike, I don't feel the same way about you," I said. "I'm sorry."_

_A look of shock and confusion and anger and betrayal passed his face. "You're __sorry__?" he asked. He knew what this meant. "You disgust me, Bella!" He stood up and started searching for his clothes. "You're a whore!" He called me every mean thing in the book to get back at me. What I had done to him was blasphemous. We had been friends, once. He wanted me to know what a horrible person I was. And I was terrible. I did something unforgivable. He left my father's house in a rush, pissed off._

_I took a shower, wishing I could wash away what I had done. I had just repeated what I did with Jacob; taken advantage of a friend to make myself feel better._

_I hugged my knees cried._

That had been five years ago, and still, Mike had moved on, gotten married and started a family, yet he was still angry with me. He didn't give me a chance to apologize, although I wanted to. I did owe him an apology, although I had been too proud to actually give him one, but I couldn't get _to him_ to make that apology.

And then Jessica went off from Lauren and me, not that I cared. She was a drunken whore back then, hanging all over her boyfriend. She was glued to him- and then got married in Port Angeles at the Little White Wedding Chapel. I thought she was knocked up, but she didn't have a baby for almost three years. Lauren was snatched up and her parents sent her to rehab that Christmas, and of course, they contacted Charlie. Charlie asked me up from if I was doing drugs and I lied to his face. "No, of course not," I said. My old friend suddenly showed up in my life, the ones that I thought wouldn't accept me back and hated me.

Jacob and Mike hadn't been the only men I seduced- or slept with. I had a few boyfriends in college, one in particular- Bart Scott. I mostly dated him for his pot supply. We lasted six months, and then, there was James Warren. It was a one-night stand, and I lost control in that situation. He forced me onto my hands and knees and made me take it in the most uncouth ways short of sodomy. After James, I ordered a vibrator off the internet and swore off men, alcohol and drugs and swore I'd never cry again. And I didn't.

Back at Charlie's house, Renée was eating Chinese while watching _Just Friends_ on TNT chortling at Ryan Reynolds. She was going back to Jacksonville tomorrow. "How did it go?" she asked Charlie and me.

"Everybody asked me- about my stroke," I said.

"She didn't like that," Charlie said. "She stayed upstairs for a while."

"Was Edward there?" Mom asked. I sighed and nodded. "Bella, I know," she said.

"I'm- I'm going to b-bed," I said.

In my room, I went upstairs and took a shower. I hated myself. What was going to happen to me? Several nurses told me I'd be back on the job in eight weeks after my job after my speech therapy. My laptop was shut, and Tessa slept on top of it. I had dreams of becoming a writer. Would I be able to write a coherent sentence? Who'd want to read anything I wrote, now?


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

After eight weeks off from work, I was allowed to go back to work, which was a good thing, because my brain was going too fast. I had moved back into my apartment with Tessa and we were done with speech therapy, which was actually pretty hard. I had to read books aloud, give directions from maps, and play soduku, do matching games, all sorts of stuff that seemed like little kid stuff, but it was difficult. I still spoke with a stutter, but I wanted to resume my normal life. Reading became hard. I messed up phrases and quotes. I was in a conversation with Jasper and Alice and a few other people about Charles Dickens and I quoted John Donne without realizing it. "No man is an island," I said.

"Bella, you were quoting Milton," Jasper said.

"No, that's Dickens."

"No, it's not," Jasper said. "I swear."

"Jasper, let it go," Alice said.

"No, he says- he says it's John Donne, it's- I say it's Milton! Alice- I'm gonna google it!" I snapped. She handed me her laptop. I was determined to prove I was right, but when I googled the phrase, I did indeed discover that Donne said it not Milton and I got upset to the point of tears. I could quote random literature from books nobody ever heard of, but now, I had messed up a simple John Donne quote. Everybody claimed it wasn't a big deal, but I made a mountain out of a molehill that night and locked myself in the bathroom for twenty minutes, angry as hell that I got it wrong. Rosalie finally pounded on the door and bitched me out for being a drama queen.

My friends came by to visit me and we to the basketball games at Forks High School. They lost, of course.

I didn't have a boyfriend to hang out with unlike everybody else and that upset me even more.

I had some problems during stressful times- I had spells of sorts, that were like the strokes, but I recovered quickly. It was annoying but I tried to ignore it. My neuro said it was normal and to just expect it.

Charlie went away on a fishing trip up to Canada and Alice, Rosalie and I were planning Angela's baby shower. I had one of the "spells." I tried to shake it off. Everything sounded like it was through a tunnel.

"No, something's not normal here," Rosalie said. "Bella?"

I could only speak gibberish.

"I'm taking her to the ER!"

The sensation went on for twenty minutes before it stopped- I was so scared, I couldn't speak afterwards. It was a stroke. I had another one. Of course, in the ER, was Edward Masen.

"I don't get it," Edward said. "She's otherwise healthy. There's nothing wrong with her."

"Do you think we should just recommend her to the University of Seattle Grace Medical Hospital?" Rosalie asked.

None of the doctors I had been to had found anything wrong with me. It was frustrating. "Yes," Edward said. "We need to keep her overnight. In the morning, we'll call SGM."

I groaned.

"It's not going to be so bad," Rose said, patting my leg.

The stay in the hospital wasn't so restful. The nurses woke me up every two hours to check my blood pressure and temperature. In the morning, they brought some eggs that were actually pretty good. They told me I was going to going to be released this morning.

"Good morning, Bella." It was Edward. He poked his head in the room. "How are you doing?"

I shrugged. "Where's Charlie?" he asked.

I opened my mouth to say, but I couldn't. I just nodded.

"Bella, I don't think it's good for you to be alone. I'll call Alice and Jasper to pick you up," he said. I nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't get to see you at Carlisle's party."

"Me…" I tried to say _me too_ but the words couldn't form out of my mouth I felt stupid. "too." I finally said.

"Take your time," he said, sitting down in the chair next to mine.

I wanted so badly to ask questions of him. Question about what had happened between us that tore us apart. I wanted to tell him I never got over him, that I still loved him and I still dreamed about him, and in the silence, when my speech was taken from me, I couldn't stop remembering things about him.

I felt his hand on my cheek. I gasped, feeling his skin contacting mine so intimately. He always had cold hands because of poor circulation. "I worry about you, Bella," he said. "This isn't normal. We have no explanation for what's happening." I closed my eyes. I felt a pressure in my upper cheeks, under my eyes- like tears. I closed my eyes- I wanted to cry, suddenly. I had avoided human contact for so long- almost five years, now. I had ruined entire relationships.

"Bella," Edward said. "I know you can't talk right now. Trust me, I had a lot of time to think about what went wrong. I wanted to blame you for a lot of things but… I don't know… You've played the distance game with your family before. It didn't bother you to be so far away from your family. It bothered me, though. I just wanted to be near my Mom and Dad, Bella. I had spent almost four years separated from them. They missed a lot of my life."

I nodded.

"We had everything planned," he said.

"Cub- cubbie… _shoe_," I said.

"You've still got the Cubbie baby booties?" he asked. "We were young. We thought the world was going to open up to us."

I nodded and tried to say _I know._

"I'll take you home."

When they released me, I put on my clothes, and Edward met me in the hallway outside my room without his lab coat on. I sighed and he took me out to his car. He had an Aston Martin, now. He had driven a Volvo in high school. He helped me in, like he used to.

He had a GPS unit in the car and took me back to my apartment, helping me up the stairs and helped with unlocking the door. I wanted to ask about his parents- were they back in Eastern Europe, what were they doing? How was Liz? I loved Liz and missed her.

Edward made some phone calls to Charlie's voicemail and Rosalie while I went to take a shower.

_The first time we ever tried to have sex, we failed dismally, and we ended up just showering together. We were both nervous, but neither us wanted to back down. I climbed into the glass shower in his bathroom and I let him get under the water spray, first. He stood under the water, the bumps on his spine showing through his sinewy muscles on his back, his bronze hair dripping water beads down his back his beautiful ass. I pressed my hands to his shoulders and kissed the back of his neck. With shaking hands, I ran my arms around his middle, pressing my hands to his abs. He patted my forearms, encouraging me to press my cheek against his back. I could smell him, that scent… pine, dove soap and spices, enhanced by the water. I adored him at that moment. I loved him so much. Giving myself to him seemed like such a small sacrifice suddenly._

As I got out of the shower, I realized that Tessa hadn't been fed. In my towel, I went out to feed her, but I saw Edward sleeping on the couch. I ran to the bedroom and dried off and dressed. I went into the living room and shook him awake.

"Go," I said softly, indicating it was alright to leave.

"No, not until one of your friends gets here," he said. "I'll make lunch for you. Go lay down."

In my room, I took Tessa and laid down. Tessa couldn't find a place to sleep on the bed. Edward came into the bedroom with a sandwich and a sliced up apple. I accepted it and he took Tessa to the living room so I could sleep. I ate my sandwich and apple slices and went to sleep. I was exhausted.

When I woke up, Jasper and Alice were there, playing cards and watching _Ghost Hunters_.

"Good evening," Alice said. "Glad you're awake."

I smiled weakly. "I'll start dinner," Jasper said, getting up.

As Jasper made tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, Alice held me. "You know, I really wanted you to start dating again before this," she said. I rested my head on her shoulder. "Are you and Edward starting to get along, again?"

I shrugged.

"I guess it's easy to get along when you can't talk, huh?"

"Uh-huh."

"How did this happen again?" Alice asked, stroking my hair. I sighed and she kissed my temple.

Charlie and Renée were there the moment they found out. My friends dropped off food and casseroles so I didn't have to go to the grocery store.

My FMLA had run out, and I had to go onto disability through my job. Disability was only a portion of my insurance. Charlie asked me to move home with him as my speech returned because of the monetary difficulties I was facing.

I couldn't believe I was moving back in with my Dad. How lame.

I had to go Seattle Grace to be seen by the neurology department there. My speech returned with occupational therapy, but I had developed paraphasia- saying a word that started with the letter of the word I meant to say. Presidency became pregnancy- Verizon became Viagra. It was embarrassing, but my friends didn't laugh too hard at it when I didn't.

In Seattle, Charlie and Renée took me to the hospital, where they took my MRIs, my CT Scans, my EKGs and my TEE results. I met the neurologist, Dr. Connors. "I have the feeling you've got a hole in your heart, Bella. We'll have to test, but, that's what I'm thinking is wrong with you."

"But the hospital at Forks Memorial didn't find anything wrong with her at all," Renée said. "And she's got three very brilliant surgeons looking out for her." Renée glowed when she thought about Carlisle, Rosalie and Edward, all intelligent, great surgeons, looking out for me in such a rinky-dink hospital.

"But, they aren't neurologists or cardiologists," Dr. Connors said. "I'm recommending her for a trans-cranial ultrasound Doppler. That will tell us if she has a hole that's letting thicker blood and blood clots through to her brain."

"Sounds great," I said, not really meaning it.

After my appointment with Dr. Conners, we took Renée to the airport. "I'm not going back," Renée said. "No, my baby needs me."

"I- I'll be- fine, m-Mom," I assured her. "I love you. Phil- Phil needs- you."

Renée sighed. "Charlie, please, watch out for her."

"You know I will," Charlie said. We said good-bye to Renée.

Back in Forks, I settled into my room and took a nap. The strokes had ravaged my body's balance. I took naps every afternoon. I had only had one period in the past five months, too. The term "depression" was being applied to me, although I hated that. I was given a prescription for Wellbutrin to combat the blues.

Alice had a party for Halloween, but it was mostly to cheer me up. I went anyways. As always, everyone was asking how I was doing and what happened. The hell if I knew.

While I was playing Apples to Apples, Edward came in the front door.

Alice hugged and kissed Edward, guiding him to sit beside me. "How are you, Bella?" he asked, seeing me.

"I'm here," I replied.

He joined the game and we played until around 11, seeing all of Jasper and Alice's neighbor's kids in their costumes. Most everyone left by 11:30, but I stayed to help Alice clean up. Edward, Rosalie and Emmett helped, too. Edward offered to take me back to Charlie's.

"Thanks," I said, getting into the car with him.

"Have they changed your medications?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm on plavix, now."

He thought for a moment, and then nodded. "How's occupational therapy going?"

"It's therapy," I replied. "It's annoying."

"I know," he said. "Bella… I know this has been a rough time for you… It's been seven years since we broke up, and I don't want to play he said she said and place blame anymore. Do you want to be friends, again?"

"Edward, you don't know- what I am, now," I stuttered.

"Yeah, I do," he said. "You're sick. You need as much help as you can get."

"I did some awful things."

"Like what? What can be so terrible?"

"I- I did a lot of d-drugs," I said. "I drank-drank a lot for a -while. I slept around. I'm a slut, now, Edward."

He didn't say anything. I felt the car go faster.

"I'm not- the same person, Edward," I said. "You want me to be. I can't be."

He took a turn off away from Charlie's house.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked

"My house."

"Why?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you in your father's driveway," he said. I could only imagine Charlie coming out in his bathrobe like the one time he did when I was seventeen, with his shotgun, an unhappy look on his face. In his driveway, we sat for a few minutes. "So, go ahead... Lay it all out there." He was waiting for me to call his bluff to prove I wasn't as bad as I was claiming I was. But, I was. I pulled away from him.

"No," I finally whispered.

"How many men were there?"

"Uh, asides from you? Four."

He sighed.

"I went to Jacob Black."

"He's married!" he shouted. "To your best friend!"

"It was before they started seeing each other!"

"Okay," Edward said. I realized he was upset- hurt. "Who else?"

"Mike Newton."

"You fucked Newton?" Edward cried. "_Newton_? I'm surprised he didn't come on himself everytime you entered the room, and you fucked him?"

"Yes," I said. "We were both pretty drunk."

"Who else?"

"People you didn't know."

"_Who else,_ Bella?"

"A guy who sold pot. I mostly dated him for the drugs. And a one-night stand who humiliated me," I said. "It was horrible. I stopped doing all those things after that."

"How long ago?" Edward asked.

"It all happened in college, so seven years ago," I said. "I even stopped drinking."

"You've been completely clean since college?"

"I haven't even had sex since college," I admitted. "Have you?"

"There were a few girls," he said. "They just reminded me of you. I just wanted somebody to fill a void."

I rubbed my forehead. "I'm not the same person you fell in love with, Edward."

"Neither am I," he said. "College does that to people. I'll take you home."

_We checked into the hotel in Port Angeles. I nervously held Edward's hand while we were taken up to the cabin up the mountain. It was away from the hotel rooms and there was a hot tub waiting. The bellboy looked as us- we were obviously just kids, but he didn't say anything when Edward tipped him._

_"Do you want order dinner?" Edward asked. "Or do you want to get in the hot tub or what?"_

_"The hot tub," I replied. "Let me change, first." All our attempts at sex hadn't quite gone the way we wanted, yet. I had been too tight to enter, my nerves too strong. He had tried to enter me before, but I shrieked out in pain and bled and he pulled out._

_I changed in the bathroom into my bikini. As far as Charlie knew, I was shopping with Alice and Angela in Seattle this weekend. It was a string bikini and tied on the sides. I put on a robe on top of it._

_It was freezing out, raining, slightly. The hot tub was on the balcony and there was a pail with ice and a bottle of champagne and glasses waiting for us. Edward's clothes were in a pile and he was already in it._

_"You're wearing a suit?" he asked, disappointed as I shed the robe. I had been naked with him several times already and I felt kind of foolish._

_"Don't you like it?" I asked._

_He nodded. "You're very beautiful," he said. I climbed into the hot tub with him. "Do you want some champagne?"_

_"Yes," I said. He stood up and the water dribbled off of him and turned to get the glasses and the bottle. I wanted this. He did, too. We were so eager to be tied to each other- to cling to something constant. His parents went to mission trips far away, abandoning him, mine split up. He handed me a flute of champagne. "What do we toast to?"_

_"To something," he said, shrugging. "To firsts." I smiled and downed the whole glass. "Hey, slow down!"_

_"I'm a cheap drunk."_

_"This is a 1000 dollar bottle of champagne," he said, grinning that cute, lop-sided grin of his. I almost choked. "Come over here."_

_I obliged him by climbing into his lap, straddling him. He pulled on my halter neckstraps, causing them to fall down my then small breasts. I reached behind myself and untied the backstrap, tossing the top onto the deck. He gazed down at my breasts, transfixed. I could feel an erection growing in the water, poking me in the stomach. The water was rolling so much that I couldn't see it. I kissed him on the lips, inviting his tongue into my mouth. His hands had warmed up in the water, they were holding my hips still. "I'll never abandon you," he said between kisses. His hands began to trace circles on my back._

_"I'll never leave you," I promised. I leaned forward and rested my chin on his shoulder. "I love you," I said, pressing kisses on his neck. He kissed my collarbone and worked his way back up my ear and took my earlobe in between his teeth. "Oh, Edward!" I sighed in a high voice._

_"Bella," he said. I felt him untie my bottoms, they slid off. I stood up on my knees and lowered myself onto his lap, taking him into me. His eyes squenched closed as he entered me and I felt my walls close in around him._

"Please don't take me home."

"What?" Edward asked, slamming on the brakes. We weren't out of the driveway, yet.

"I can't be home, alone," I said. "I missed you."

"Bella, it was wrong of me to bring you here," Edward said.

"Edward, please," I said, setting my hand on his wrist. I unbuttoned the first three buttons on my blouse. "It's been five years since- since I've been- been w-with anybody- do you remember the cabin- the hot tub?"

_The first time. I didn't want him to leave me, to let me go. There wasn't as much pain as I anticipated._

"Yes, Bella, I do," he said. I tore my blouse off and threw it to the floor.

"Edward, please."

"Why do you want to do this?" he asked. "Why now? Why me?"

I couldn't think of the word, but I could think of the meaning. "To end this- stop it."

"This would only rekindle something perverted and twisted."

Something I had fought- something I hadn't done, even after being told my brain was malfunctioning- tears began to well up in my eyes and flow down my cheeks. Edward wiped my cheeks. "Bella, you're still one of the most beautiful women I've ever met," he said. "You always will be. It would be easy to sleep with you. Easy, but wrong."

"I still love you," I said. "I never stopped."

"Then why did you break up with me?" he snapped.

"Because I thought you'd come to your senses," I said. "And come to me and apologize."

"It doesn't work that way, Bella," he said. "Put your shirt back on." My tears were like a dam- they fell and I couldn't stop them. My first love was rejecting me again. Maybe he was making me feel the way I made him feel. He bent down to get my shirt off the floor of the car, and he was so close to my mouth. "Bella, you're my patient. It's ethically wrong in so many ways, now." He put my shirt in my lap.

I got off the seat and straddled his hips in the driver's seat. He pulled back in the seat. "Bella, no," he said. I pressed my eyes to his cheeks so I could flick my wet eyelashes on him- butterfly kisses. I was back in his arms- his body felt different- a little more solid and his muscles were a little bigger, too. I rested my cheek on his shoulder, my tears being soaked up on his shirt.

His hands began to stroke my hair. My hair. He was accepting me. "Oh Bella, I missed you, too," he sighed. He kissed my neck- his favorite spot when we were kids. I went a little crazy when he did that. I lifted my head to kiss him on the lips.

His hand cradled the back of my head as I opened my mouth to his, inviting his tongue in. His tongue gently teased and tingled my own. I sucked on his lower lip when he pulled back.

Edward's hands unhooked my bra in the back. I leaned back on to the steering wheel so he could get the bra off of me, one arm at a time. I laid in the moonlight, my breasts completely exposed to him. He cupped my breasts and squeezed them, lifting them. "You're so beautiful," he said, lifting them up. "Bella. Bella Bella Bella."

He bent down to take one of my nipples into his mouth. It felt deliciously familiar, but unfamiliar. I could feel the scrape of his five o'clock shadow from his chin on the swell of my breast. He never had whiskers when we were together as kids. His tongue teased and circled the tip of my nipple, flicking it. I moaned- a part of me wondered if he'd hurt me at all, like James. I ran my fingers through Edward's messy bronze hair.

I heard a scream down the street. Some teenagers were toilet-papering someone's house. "Edward, can we take this inside?"

"Yes," he said, sitting up. He pulled up into the garage with me in his lap. He punched a button and the garage door closed. I stumbled out of the car and went into his house, my arm pressed over my breasts. Edward grabbed my arm and pulled me upstairs towards the bedroom. He shed his clothes on the floor and I slid out of my skirt and panties, kicking my shoes off. I was so afraid of what he'd do to me suddenly.

"Don't be afraid of me, Bella," he murmured, his hands on my bare thighs. I parted them for him. The next thing I knew, he stuck his fingers inside me- two of them- my walls contracted against him. That felt good. One more felt like heaven. I groaned as he hit my G-spot. He knew how to do that and use his thumb on my clit at the same time. I sobbed and enjoyed the feeling of my body being touched and pleasured by somebody else after all this time.

"So- good," I babbled as I began to come. He always made sure I came before he made love to me. He was doing it, again. He didn't remove his hand until I was sobbing from the climaxing. He climbed up my body and in the darkness, pushed into me. I screamed out- what I remembered, he was bigger than before.

"You're really tight now, you know that?" he asked.

I just moaned and tried to relax my walls. He pulled out and then pushed right back in- hard, slowly. I gasped. I cried as he pumped into me over and over again. I never cried- not for anything, not during sex. I wrapped my legs around his hips to keep him. I didn't want him to stop- I wanted him forever. He came- and I did, too, although I sobbed, not wanting him to. That meant he'd leave.

He pulled out after it was over- it was over and he was going away. We were further apart already. I cried, still, in his arms.

"Please Bella, don't cry anymore," he said, kissing my eye brow. He kissed the tip of my nose, then my chin. "Stay with me tonight."

"I'm scared…"

"Why?" he asked, holding me.

"It's over."

"I don't know what this means," he said. He kissed me on the lips. "Fuck…" he muttered. "You know what I just realized? We didn't use any kind of birth control."

I clapped a hand to my face. Shit. "I had one period since my first stroke," I said. "And I haven't had sex in five years, so I think you're safe."

"Why are you more concerned with me?"

"I'm going to be a drain on society," I said. "I'm worthless, now."

"You are not," he said, kissing me, again. "You always wanted to write the next great American novel."

"I never did," I said. "I don't think I ever will."

"Of course you will," he said. "You'll do everything, Bella."

"How?" I asked. "How much longer before these stroke destroy my brain, Edward? How much longer before I'm a vegetable who can't even feed herself?"

"I have the feeling we'll figure it out before then," he said, stroking my side.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

My feet were in the cold air of Edward's bedroom. I knew where I was.

Edward had had pity sex with me last night. He had to be so ashamed by now.

He was sleeping on his side, still asleep. I saw something on his side- something that hadn't been there when I had been with him last. It was… a tattoo. Small, delicate… a swan. He had a swan on his body. He stirred when my finger grazed it.

"'Morning," he said, waking up. I was only covered by the sheets from the waist down. "Do you want breakfast?"

"Yes," I said. "Edward? I- you- your tattoo."

"Yeah," he said, touching the tattoo. "I have one."

"Why do you have a swan?" I asked. "Why- what does it mean?"

"It means… it's just a bird," Edward said, getting up. I watched his incredible naked ass walk to the bathroom and I heard the shower water running.

I couldn't find my bra or my top. They were in the car. I instead, found one of Edward's shirts to wear.

This didn't make me feel any better. I had told myself I'd feel better if I slept with Edward last night. What kind of messed up thinking was that? My strokes didn't take my logical thought processes from me.

"You can take a shower, now," Edward said, coming out, behind me, in jeans an t-shirt.

"You work today?"

"No, not today."

I went to the bathroom, gathering my skirt and panties and stripped down to my birthday suit and got in the shower. I knotted my hair up in a bun on top of my head and stepped under the shower head. He had Dove body wash in the shower, which I used.

He had left out a fresh towel for me- which was thoughtful, considering how selfish I had been last night. In the kitchen, he was making dry toast. He set out butter and jelly. I realized today was Friday. The Orthodox in Esme and Liz like to fast from animal products every Wednesday, Friday, during Lent, during Advent, during the first two weeks of August and during the Apostle's fast. They weren't crazy about Orthodoxy, but some habits died hard. They went sometimes to Port Angeles to Redeeming Grace for church, but Esme wasn't crazy about the priest and a lot of the people there, and they weren't crazy about the commute, especially. There was some comfort in the fasts for the Cullen/Masen family. They practiced a lot of the traditions at home. Alice, Emmett and Edward were just used to it. They did the fasts without even thinking about it too much, they each spoke a little Russian, they knew the prayers in both English and Russian, they often times said evening prayers together as a family in front of the icon stand. Edward had a small icon stand here in his kitchen with pictures of saints with writing in Greek and Cyrillic that I couldn't read. He had once told me he was Agnostic, but kept the icons around for comfort because they reminded him of his parents. I wondered if that was really true.

I spread some butter on my toast. "Maybe you should check in with Charlie," he said. "We left your cell phone in the car."

I nodded. "I'm a grown woman."

"But you're living with him."

"I don't want him knowing."

"I know," Edward said, playing with his black coffee.

_Just tell me you love me,_ I thought. _Just comfort me._

It never came.

* * *

"_Bells, I'm beginning to get worried_!" Charlie shouted over my voicemail. "_Call me when you get this!_" I deleted the message. He had called me several times.

I called him back. "Dad?" I asked.

"What the hell is going on?" Charlie shouted. "You were out all night and you never called! Where were you! I was worried sick!"

I hated this part of living with my father.

"Dad, I'm fine."

"I called Alice and she said that Edward Masen was driving you home," he said. "Please don't tell me you spent the night with him."

I hated lying to Charlie. My brain was so weak, I didn't trust myself to lie. "Yes, I did."

"Oh, God, Bella, no!" he cried. He groaned. "No, please tell me you did not spend the night with him! He broke your heart once already!"

"I'll deal with- the cones-consequences."

"Is he going to bring you home?" Charlie asked. "Or do I need to come and get you?"

"I'll be home soon," I said. I dreaded being alone with my father knowing I had been with Edward. He was going to give me the cold shoulder over this. He was used to me being celibate, let alone, not dating. Who'd want to sleep with a woman who had strokes? I'd be stroking out during an orgasm and they wouldn't know what to do. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I hung up.

"Edward? Can you take me home?"

"Yes," he said. "Let me get my shoes on."

"Charlie knows I slept over," I said. "He's not happy about that."

"Big surprise. It's not something we're going to repeat," he said. "Come on."

We got into the car and he drove me back to Charlie's house in silence. At Charlie's, he met us at the front door. "Why don't you both come inside?"

Edward sighed, looking defeated. Inside, I sat down on the couch and Edward sat down beside me. Charlie sat down in the arm chair opposite of us. "Alright," Charlie said. "Is this going to be a continuous thing?"

"No."

I couldn't Charlie's expression. He looked disgusted or disappointed, I couldn't tell.

"If I ever hear a word about this about town, Dr. Masen," Charlie seethed. "If you make my daughter look like a tramp… I have a gun and I know how to use it."

"Chief-"

"She's not in her right mind," Charlie said.

"Dad, that's not true!" I cried.

"You've got lesions on your brain, Bella!" Charlie snapped.

"That doesn't incapacitate her," Edward shot back.

"Edward, you took advantage of her last night," Charlie shouted, standing. "I might as well arrest you on statutory rape charges!"

"I'm a legal adult!"

"As far as I know, you don't have MPA over her, she's still in control of her medical decisions," Edward said.

"I'm in control, I wasn't drunk last night."

"You weren't there, Chief Swan."

"I'd have dragged Bella off _by her hair_ if I had been," Charlie said between clenched teeth.

"I'm glad you weren't there," I said, getting up. "I don't regret it."

* * *

As I expected, Charlie didn't talk to me for a while. Angela went into labor and Emily began the midwife job. Rosalie called me and picked me up. We went to her house and went to see her.

Emily had her in a kiddie pool hot tub. Ang was wearing a black tee shirt and her face was pale. She was exhausted already. "Ang?" I asked, kneeling down beside the hot tub.

"Hi," Angela replied. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"Me too. How do you feel?" I asked.

"I'm okay until the contractions come along," Angela said. "And then, I feel like somebody's stabbing me with white-hot knives." She sighed. "I've been having contractions for over twenty-four hours, I'm almost fully dilated."

"I hope this is going to be the last one ever."

"No way!" she cried. "I want more!"

"You're in this much pain and you want more kids?"

"Of course!" she said. "This is the best process ever!"

I had been present at Will's birth, and I was probably going to have to watch the new baby's birth, too. The sight of babies being born had grossed me out the first time, but this time, I had had so much blood taken in the last six months, it didn't bother me at all, now.

I said hello to Jacob and hugged Will. Her parents showed up with Isaac and Josh, who were set up to film the whole thing. We all sat around the pool as Angela began to push. Jake held her hand while she pushed and cried in pain. Her saline breasts floated in the water under her black shirt. Everybody knew that Angela's boobs were fake. She got them for her wedding and she loved them. She was the last person I thought would ever get a boob job, but she did. They were responsible for Will's presence- she got pregnant on her honeymoon, literally, although she may have gotten preggers before that, with all the sex she and Jacob had.

_We had gotten Angela completely smashed at her bachelorette party. After the stripper and the penis cake, the other girls went home, so we were sitting in Alice's house, and Angela was sitting on the floor, with a leopard-print male thong around her neck, her head too heavy for her neck._

_"These things are so heavy," Angela said, gripping her new implants. "I love them."_

_"So, what'd you have to do for them?" Alice snorted. We all knew Jacob paid for them to make her happy so she actually had boobs to hold up her strapless wedding gown. I knew what she had to do- it all started the last time I saw her smashed._

_"A __lot__," Angela snorted._

_"A lot of hand jobs, I bet," Rosalie said. "And lap dances, too."_

_"That was only the start," Angela slurred. "It was innocent stuff at first, like showering with him and sitting in his lap naked while watching SNL and fucking me standing up. And then, he wanted to fuck me in the pool and then he wanted to watch me get off and kiss other girls."_

_Alice and Rosalie sat, slack-jawed, staring at her. I too, was shock at her admission of masturbating for him, but the girl she had kissed… it had been me. It had shocked him, too, because up until then, he had just been kidding, he didn't think she'd actually pull a third person into their little sexual games. We had both been pretty drunk, and she was holding my face, telling me what a great friend I was while Jake was making marshmallow Peeps ducks swordfight with toothpicks in the microwave, and then she leaned over and kissed me. A full, open-mouth kiss on the mouth. I laughed at first out of shock and screamed at her, and she began to cry. She then said that if she kissed me, Jake would pay for implants before their wedding. I looked at Jake like he was insane. 'I was just kidding, I didn't think she'd really do it,' he had said. 'But, it was really hot.' He had been getting her to do sexual favors for him with the promise that if she did enough of them he'd shell out the cash for the implants. He didn't think she was serious about, it was just a game to him. 'Angie, I love your tits, you're really serious about getting them stuck full of silicone?' She nodded._

_The day after she kissed me, she made an appointment for the plastic surgeon in Seattle, and a month later, she was a small D-cup and in bandages. She went with saline instead of silicon. I never told Rosalie and Alice about the kiss before the bachelorette party, because it embarrassed Angela to no end. She had been completely drunk when she kissed me. She didn't even remember doing it, either. On her honeymoon, she came back pregnant, which was no surprise to any of us, either.  
_

Angela moaned in pain while Jake stroked her head and kissed her temple. The Quiluete women in the room were singing softly in the Quiluete language. It was strangely comforting to me to be a part of this.

"One more push, Angela," Emily encouraged.

Angela cried out in pain, and then gasped.

"Is that-" Jacob asked.

"Yes, that's the baby!" Emily cried, picking up the baby out of the water. "It's a girl! She's beautiful, isn't she?"

Angela leaned back on the wall of the kiddie pool and laughed. "Oh, she's beautiful," she sighed.

"Will, you want to cut the cord?" Jacob asked Will.

"Yeah!" Will cried. He was hardly old enough to use scissors. "It won't hurt Mommy?"

"Nope," Jacob said.

Emily pinned off the cord and it began to drain the tub.

"She's a healthy color," Rosalie observed. "She's got a lot of hair!"

"I'm glad you were here, Rose," Angela said, tiredly, although she was glowing, looking at her new baby.

"Will, she's ready," Emily said, handing him surgical scissors. He cut the umbilical cord, grinning. "There you go, good boy!" Emily took her and wrapped her in a towel and handed the baby, Wendi Susan, to Angela, who held her, with an exhausted grin on her face. Will pointed and made observations about how Wendi was so wrinkled and was crying so hard. Jake just laugh and glowed, looking at her.

A beautiful family. Why didn't I have one? Where did I go wrong?

After Jacob held Wendi for a few minutes, and let Will hold him, Angela needed to get Wendi latch on and a lot of people (Angela's parent and brothers) didn't want to be there to see Angela's implants. She had gotten under-the-muscle implants through her belly button, so it didn't disturb her milk ducts or her nipples, so she was able to breast feed, still.

I left the room for a few minutes. I had told Alice about what happened on Halloween. I had to take a few pictures on my camera phone of Wendi and send them to Renée. Renée would be so pleased.

Josh and Isaac were reviewing the footage of the birth and how babies looked so gross when they first came out. They had taken pictures on their camera phones already and were sending pictures of Wendi to their girlfriends on the couch in the Black's living room.

"At-home births aren't so bad," Rosalie said. She had been against at-home births before, but she still wasn't crazy about it, but after actually seeing two births, she saw it differently. Siblings weren't allowed in the delivery room, they aren't part of the birth process in a hospital. Strange people were all up in your cooch and you were expected just to put it on display for everyone until the baby came out. There was a lot of humiliation in hospital births, few spiritual aspects were implied. This had been such a special experience for Angela and her family. Will had been involved and had been an active force in Wendi's birth and one of the first people to hold her. The big brother role was almost immediate. He wouldn't feel like Wendi was taking his place. "So, has Charlie started talking to you, yet?"

"Just to shout orders," I said. She had heard from Charlie about what I had done at Halloween, but she hadn't cared so much, just asked if I had a good time doing it with Edward. Just like my Mom. I had lied to her about using protection and said that of course, we used a condom. She asked if he was still good in bed after all these years, and I embarrassedly admitted yes, he was. "He told Renée, and she called me on my cell phone and congratulated me."

"Oh my God, that's hilarious."

"I haven't gotten any in over five years."

"I know," she said, patting my arm. "I never quite got over the two of you breaking up."

"Alice said it, too," I said. "Why is that?"

"Because I hated Bart Scott," she said. "He was a creep. Bells, you've had awful taste in men since you broke up with Edward."

Me? Like she had any room to talk. She had a real horror story about before she moved to Forks and met Emmett.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

Rosalie never tells anybody about her ex-boyfriend from when she lived in Texas. I still get upset when I think about it, myself. I get a little angry that no justice was ever served, and to top it all off, her parents were lawers

_Rosalie was just used to being the most beautiful girl in the room. She did baby beauty pageants and everybody saw her as strong and pretty and attractive. She was only fourteen when Royce rolled into her life in his Ford F150 extended cab truck.  
_

_She liked him a lot- he was a junior, she was a freshman. She wore her tightest jeans, her shortest skirts and highest heels, despite Jasper's warnings. She was instantly accepted by the most popular girls in the Texas school- and it was only a matter of time before Royce asked her out. She was beautiful- with her long, flowing blonde locks and her cool, blue-eyed stare and long legs. Who wouldn't fall in love with her instantly?  
_

_Rose ignored the warnings of the less-popular girls- that he was creep and expected girls to put out on the first date. Rosalie just wrote it off as sour grapes._

_She went to meet Royce and they went out to a nice dinner and the basketball game, and then, he took her back to his house- not home. She protested, but he dragged her inside and raped her. He was a big guy- 200 pounds, she was literally half his size- at that time, a 100 pound girl, she couldn't fight against him.  
_

_When Rosalie told her parents and they took her to the hospital and ran the rape kit on her, she told the cops it was Royce Williams. Royce denied it. An arrest would have meant expulsion off the football team and the school and possibly being tried as an adult. But, in small-town Texas, football players were gods. They ran the school, especially one this small.  
_

_Jasper, being the consummate big brother (by only 10 seconds) swore, in front of a group of kids that he'd kill Royce for what he did to Rose. Then, the Hale family got threatened. Giant rocks thrown through the windows, their family's cars being bashed in and spray-painted with "LIAR" and "WHORE". Both Jasper and Rosalie were attacked, too. Jasper was kidnapped by a group of football players, stripped naked and beaten after swim team practice and told to keep his sister under control. Rosalie was beaten up, her beautiful blonde hair was cut off in chunks and she was spit on by cheerleaders and football player's girlfriends, the people who had once been her friends. That's why she had a long, layered cut when I first met her when she was a senior.  
_

_Even the faculty got in on it. They wrote off the beatings and the vandalism as "stuff that kids do." Rosalie and Jasper's lockers were broken into and the contents being urinated on and strewn across the hallway, and the staff told them that they had to clean it up themselves. And then, there were the phone calls. People calling the Hale's house, telling them to drop the charges because everyone knew Rosalie was a skank who sucked off the whole football team. The Hales, who both worked for the county attorney's office, were fired for stupid, trumped-up reasons. After that, the rape kit mysteriously disappeared before it could be sent to the state. The worst part was, Rosalie had been a virgin when this happened._

_Then, the Hales got a job offer in Forks, Washington. It was a small town, like their town in Texas, out of the way, but nobody knew what happened, and the kids who played football weren't gods here. They felt safer in Forks than their Texas town._

_Rose didn't tell me this until I went on a camping trip together with the Cullens and Edward and we were playing a game of Truth or Dare while Esme and Carlisle were off gathering firewood. I had always taken Rosalie for bitter and tough, but I never knew why. She finally softened up when she started seeing Emmett. She made friends with us, where as, she had been the Ice Queen who didn't need friends her sophomore and junior year. Claudia and Kevin left Forks after Jasper and Rosalie were in college for a few years, but Rosalie wanted to come back here when she finished medical school. Alice couldn't stand to stay in the city, she wanted to stay close to her mother, and Jasper liked the wilderness of Forks._

As I got the picture of the baby to send to Renée, I sent it to Rosalie and Alice as well, and then, I had a moment that seemed like another stroke but only for a moment. I gasped.

"Bella?" Rosalie asked.

I caught my breath. My speech didn't come back immediately. "It- it hap-happened- again."

"I think the brain tissue on your first stroke is scarring, and it's causing seizures," Rosalie said. "I think you should have another EKG."

I hated my first EKG. It started out with me depriving myself of sleep. Then, they put around 20 electrical nodes in my scalp, getting glue in my hair, and then put a plastic cap over my head to keep it from moving at all. Then, they put a strobe light over my eyes, and then, they asked me to go to sleep. I never could go to sleep. Then, they told me I could go if I wanted to wash my hair in the sink and got water everywhere. There was usually a huge dab of glue on my forehead. The EKG was only 40 per cent accurate on a regular basis, so if I was having seizures, they were only 40 per cent sure but it was the best way of knowing. _That_ was comforting.

"They're not that useful," I said.

"Has Eli Connors persribed anything for seizures?"

"Topamax?" I asked. "I haven't filled it, yet."

"I think you should start it," Rosalie said. "It might help these little moments that are stroke-like."

I nodded.

Rosalie, out of worry, drove me home, and I found my script for Topamax. We went to the drug store and filled it together, since Charlie wasn't speaking to me. I saw the pregnancy tests while waiting.

A part of me wanted to be pregnant from the one-night stand with Edward. He'd have me in his life permanently, then. Rose saw me staring at one. "Didn't you use a condom?" she asked.

"Honestly, Rose?" I asked.

She groaned. "Bella!" she snapped. "Every time! Don't you know anything?" She grabbed one of the tests and we paid for it while waiting. I went to the bathroom and took the test.

While waiting, I found it was negative. I wasn't pregnant. I was a little sad about that. At the pharmacy counter, I told Rose the results. "Those are pretty accurate," she said. "That brand, at least. Good thing, most seizure medicines, you don't want to get pregnant on."

"Why?"

"Birth defects," she said. "You don't even want to conceive while on these meds."

I nodded. Well, good thing I didn't get pregnant that night. I guess.

* * *

"Why do you look so sad?" Rosalie asked.

"I wanted to get pregnant," I admitted in Rosalie's Mercedes.

"What? Why!" Rosalie cried. "You can't support a child right now! You can't even support yourself!"

"I'd have to be a constant in Edward's life if I had his baby."

"You want security? You're not going to get it from seducing him with pity-sex," she said. "On top of that, your body is in no shape to get pregnant- you've had cryptogenic strokes! We don't know what's caused them, and it's serious stuff, Bella!"

"I know that!" I spat. "You don't know what I've lost! I can't work, I can't speak right, and everybody telling me what I can and can't do- Charlie even threatened to arrest Edward on statutory rape charges because I'm not in 'my right mind," I felt a heavy sob build in my chest, "and all the sudden, I'm on medications that mean I can't get pregnant without giving a baby birth defects! You don't know what I'd give to go back to what I had, Rose! If I could, I'd quit my job so I could work on my book and get it published instead of what's happening right now- I had to put it on hold because I can't read or write correctly and I'm uninsurable, now! I have to take speech therapy! I can't even drive a car because of these stupid seizures, if they're seizures, nobody's sure-"

"Bella, I know it's frustrating what you're going through," Rose said, quietly. "I felt like it with Royce. I'd have never gone out with him had I known what was going to happen to me. But, you can't go back. You can only go forward."

* * *

Before I could even have the Trans-Cranial Doppler Ultrasound, I had to go back to work. My Metlife disability was running out.

The first thing I noticed with the Topamax was soft drinks tasted weird. I could only taste the syrup, not the cola. The carbonation didn't quite taste right, either. That wasn't a big deal because I didn't drink carbonated drinks too much in the first place.

Work sucked. I had a week of listening to calls before they had all my work IDs back and working for me. It wasn't any easier; I couldn't remember basic words at all.

It got worse and worse. My performance suffered, too. I hated work more than ever, but I had to do this job; I couldn't lose it because it supplied my health insurance. I was uninsurable, now.

The one bright spot was Wendi's christening. Alice and Embry Call were Wendi's godparents. At her baptism, she was pretty good until Reverend Weber poured the water on her, and then she started screaming. After Alice got her calmed down, they dressed her in the white gown. The reception at Angela and Jake's house was pretty quiet- she went to sleep. Rose and Emmett then announced they were pregnant. And quite proud of it.

I was happy for them- sort of. They had been trying to get pregnant since before my first stroke. My body was suddenly unwilling to get pregnant. I liked the idea of having a child, now. If I wasn't having strokes and seizures, I'd be in the perfect spot in my life to have a baby. Somebody to love and take care of, but was I really capable of it?

All the things in my life that I didn't want to examine were being brought up to my view through my friend's lives.

I finally got some time off from work to get to take the Trans-Cranial Ultrasound Doppler in Seattle. They attached a frame to my head and there was an ultrasound on a particular vein on my temple. They were going to inject me with "agitated saline" or saline with bubbles in it and then I had to blow in a tube that was like blowing the yoke out of an egg. If the bubbles showed up in my vein on the ultrasound, I had a Patent Formale Ovale, or a hole in my hear that the TEE didn't find.

A doctor injected me with the saline bubbles, and then, I had to blow into the tube. It happened on the first try- I did have a hole in my heart that was allowing my blue blood to mix with my red blood. It was a hole that was supposed to close up by the age of two, but mine never did. They had no idea I had been walking around with it for years, and the TEE didn't see it. I was going to have to consult with a cardiologist about getting it closed so I didn't have another stroke.

The first person I called on the way home was Rosalie. "They found the reason why I'm having strokes," I said. "I have a PFO."

"I've heard of that!" Rose said. "Did they go over the options for fixing it?"

"They're going to send me to a cardiologist, soon. I have an appointment," I said. "But it's not for another month. Can you tell Alice and Angela so I don't have to explain it again?"

"Of course."

When we stopped for gas, I took Charlie's cash to pay for our fill-up. I ran into somebody I thought I'd never run into- Mike Newton.

"Hi, Bella," he said, still being chilly towards me.

"Hi, Mike," I said. We stood in silence for a few minutes waiting for the ancient woman behind the cash register to ring up an impatient-looking person with a credit card. Mike ignored me, his back to me. "Mike, I want to apologize."

Mike whirled around, a look of surprise on his face. "What?"

"What I did to you all those years ago was wrong," I said. "And I know a verbal apology can never make up for it. I'm sorry. Really, I am." The cashier was ready to ring up Mike.

"I never thought you'd apologize," Mike said. "Pump number 3," he said to the ancient lady behind the counter.

"I am apologizing," I said, my eyes filling up with tears. "Because I hope your wife treasures you. Because you deserve so much better than what I did to you."

"Bella… you're a better person than I pegged you for all this time," he said. "I didn't think you regretted what you did at all."

"I regretted it the moment I did it," I said. The cashier looked at me expectantly. "Toyota Corolla."

"Fifty-seven forty-three," she croaked. I handed over the money.

"Mike, I'm a really messed up person… ever since I broke up with Edward," I said. "I'm sorry." The cashier handed me Charlie's change.

"I know… now," he said. We walked outside together. "You're not that messed up. You broke up with somebody. It's normal to be sad and not know how to handle it."

"Thanks."

"Just so you know, Lisa thinks I'm really good in bed."

I laughed. "Good."

"Some good came out of it," he said. "Thanks, Bella. I need to get home. I forgive you."

"Thank you," I mouthed, my voice too weak.

He hugged me before going to his car. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

"What was that about?" Charlie snapped as I walked back to the car. I held us up getting home and there was a game he wanted to catch.

"That was a long time coming."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

The seizures weren't helped along at all by the Topamax. I kept on getting them. It was either that or I was still having mini-strokes.

It was one hour into my shift at work, and I had one that lasted thirty minutes. They called the medical people and an ambulance, again. I was sent back to the hospital, although I was getting my speech back pretty quickly.

In the ER, I saw Edward. He brushed my hair back out of my face. "According to Seattle Grace University Hospital, you've got a PFO and you're waiting to see a cardiologist about it."

"Yes," I said.

"And they didn't take you off from work?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"That was mistake number 1. What do they have you on for the seizures?" he asked, flipping through my medication charts. He looked at my dosage of Topamax. "This dosage of Topamax isn't going to do anything for seizures! No wonder you haven't been improving! Do you keep on forgetting words?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"That's one of the side effects. You're getting all the side effects and none of the benefits. The EMTs noticed it in the ambulance when you were describing your symptoms," he said. "I'm going to prescribe zonasimide."

"Will I be able to get pregnant on this?" I asked, knowing that I'd be on seizure medication for five years, minimum.

"No, Bella," he said. "You can't get pregnant on this one."

I sighed.

"I know it's frustrating," he said. "You didn't get pregnant after…"

"No," I said. "I took a test."

"OK," he said. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Sorry that I can't get pregnant or that I didn't get pregnant with your kid?" I asked.

"Both," he finally answered.

"Tell me the truth about your tattoo," I said.

"I got it for you," he said. "To remember you by. I'm surprised that wasn't obvious to you."

"You tattooed yourself for me?" I asked. "Do you do that for every girl you sleep with?"

"No, just you," he said. "We're going to keep you, run a few tests on you and then release you with the condition that you be put on disability. Indefinitely."

I sighed. "How humiliating," I said.

"Charlie's there to take care of you," he said.

"Charlie's still not talking to me," I said, resting my head in my hands.

"It's just pride. He'll probably come around, now," he said.

"Maybe I should go back to Jacksonville, to be with my Mom," I said, playing with the butterfly catheter taped to the back of my palm.

"No- transferring all your records, Bella-"

"Who else am I going to stay with?"

He swallowed. "I guess you're right."

I waited a few hours before Charlie showed up- right as a hospital bed opened up. Charlie was still giving me a hard time. He was angry when he saw Edward was my ER doctor.

"So, I'm going to be off on disability until the hole in my heart gets treated," I said in the ER room as I signed off on some paperwork.

"I'm not going to let you sit around the house when you get released, you better do something," Charlie said. I sighed.

"Charlie, don't talk to me like that," I said. I didn't want to stay with Renée- she was 3000 miles away from my friends.

"Yeah, what are you going to do about it?" he asked. "You're living off of me!"

"Because you asked me to move in!" I cried.

Edward came by to say good night to me at that moment, but Charlie and I were in a dead-heat. "Charlie, do you really want her to move in with some of her friends?" Edward asked. "You want to have this out with me, I'll be happy to come over to your house in an hour when I'm off from my shift."

"This doesn't concern you, Dr. Masen," Charlie replied.

"The hell it does," I replied. Charlie's pettiness had reduced him to acting like a teenage boy.

"Don't treat your daughter like this," Edward said. "She's your only one."

I loved Charlie but sometimes, he could be difficult. Like right now.

In my private hospital room, Charlie stayed with me while I turned on the TV. I wasn't one for television, so I watched for a few minutes until Charlie asked if I could check the sports scores on ESPN. It was the first words he said directly to me that weren't mean or barking orders. We watched ESPN and I read my book.

My friends all came to visit. Edward was sending me for a CT Scan tomorrow, then they were temporarily releasing me to get an MRI in Port Angeles and then I'd return back in the afternoon. Alice brought my laptop.

Charlie went home for the night around 11 when visiting hours were over and I started to sleep. In the morning, I woke up to breakfast and Edward came in.

"Just checking on you," Edward said. He wasn't wearing scrubs at all. It was obviously his day off.

"Thanks," I said.

"How's breakfast?" he asked.

"I have to admit, the hospital food is pretty good," I said. "All except for the coffee."

"I think so, too," he admitted. "What are you doing?" he asked, seeing my open laptop.

"Getting started on that great American book," I said. "What do you think of a memoir?"

"I think you've got a very good story for a memoir," he said. "How far are you?"

"Hold on," I said, checking the word count. "Six-hundred and fifty-three words."

"Good start," he said, giving me that boyish lop-sided grin.

"Edward, is it OK if I mention you? I won't put in your real name," I said.

Edward's lips became a thin line. "I want to read it before you publish it," he said.

"Alright," I said. "That's fair."

I had never spent more than twenty four hours in the hospital before. There were no showers in the hospital rooms and because of the heart monitor, they weren't allowing me to take one in the shower room down the hall. I used Alice's Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom shower gel to give myself a Turkish Bath in the sink. The first thing they did to me was do a Lumbar Puncture, also known as an LP or a Spinal Tap. It was the most uncomfortable thing I had ever been through. Renée called me in the morning. I assured her nothing was leftover from this "incident" so it wasn't a stroke. She still worried.

First thing, they laid me on the table and injected my lower back with a numbing agent. The administering doctor warned me that I'd still feel the pressure of the needle and it would probably strike a nerve or two in my spinal cord and it would hurt. I had to stay completely still. I laid still on my stomach while they draped me in warm blankets, since the room was so freezing cold. Another nurse came in and held my hand. They took a huge needle and stuck it into my lower back. It immediately hit one of my nerves. I ground my teeth and squinched my eyes shut it hurt so badly. My toes even curled. I tried to breath. This pain wasn't going away. It took a good fifteen minutes of this before they got enough spinal fluid out. They were checking to make sure it wasn't meningitis.

Afterwards, in my room, I had to lay flat on my back for 6 hours. Alice and Jasper were waiting in my room, talking to Charlie.

"This was the most painful experience of my life- it kept on going and going," I said, standing up out of the wheelchair.

"Remember to lay flat, Miss Swan," the transport tech said. "You're going to have a headache, so call the nurse's station for some Tylenol."

"Thanks," I said.

"Mom had one of those, once," Alice said. "She had a huge hole in her back for about three days afterwards." She lifted the back of my shirt, and exposed a tiny hole in the base of my spine in the mirror over the sink.

"OK, Bella, lay flat," Jasper said, pulling back the sheets and lowering my bed to completely flat. I carefully laid flat on the bed. I fell asleep.

A few hours later, another transport tech showed up to take me for another EKG. It was annoying- I didn't fall asleep, it was pretty useless.

After that, they did an ultrasound on my legs and carotid artery to make sure I didn't have any clots in those arteries. I almost kicked the ultrasound technician in the face when she did my legs, it tickled so much. I gave her fair warning, though. The didn't release me, nor did they allow me to shower. My friends came by for a visit.

They did another CT Scan and took more blood in the morning. In the afternoon, they did an ultrasound on my heart, which meant I had to lay topless in a small room with a nurse who ran test on my heart. Then, they released me- to go straight to Port Angeles for an MRI and an MRA.

After the MRI and MRA, I was allowed to go home and finally shower and sleep in my own bed. Tessa greeted me happily.

* * *

I took my time off to work on my memoirs.

I wrote my memories, the pasts of my friends and family. As I wrote, I had to take a difficult look at myself. I wanted to like who I saw in the mirror, but I had done a lot of bad things in love. I wrote about Edward, my relationship with my parents, my friends, the men I had used to fill the void in my life. I discovered a lot in the pages of my book- a lot about my relationship with my father, with my mother, with my friends, with the men in my life. And I was grateful and sad, all at the same time, for all that I had taken for granted.

_I don't like who I became. Maybe these strokes were the universe pointing a finger in my direction to take a look at myself and who I am and to learn to love without conditions and to not ask for things back. I used to ask for ultimatums. I hurt innocent people along the way. For that, I am truly sorry. It manifested in me as self-hate. After all the drugs and alcohol and using men to fill the bottomless pit of a void in my life, I found that I had stopped loving myself somewhere along the way. Then, I used my intellect, my words, my knowledge of books and literature to build a wall about myself. I discovered, I am not vulnerable because I am afraid to let people in. The strokes removed that from me, and made me naked to the world. There is a hole in my heart. I can't fill it with anything from others, but myself. Vulnerability is a hard lesson for me._

_I am now happy I had these strokes. I am beginning to understand that I was on a very lonely road and they saved my life- from being closed off and unable to relate to others. Sometimes, the worst thing that ever happened to you can be the best thing._

The next morning, after Charlie left, I began the proof reading process. It took me three days to read it all and proofread. I needed an editor to look it over, but I felt better about it all. Rosalie offered to help me edit, and she did an excellent job.

I printed out a manuscript, took it to Port Angeles and made copies. I had signed up for absolutewrite dot com, and they had sent me an agent list. I poured through it and took note of which literary agents took memoirs and which didn't. Some took a ten page sample, others took fifty. Others only took a summary. All required a inquiry letter.

While I was making each of these, I got a phone call from the Police Station- Charlie had had chest pains and was in the ER.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I dropped everything to get there.

Edward had been the attending physician, and he recommended a stint, seeing that he had arterial blockage and not heart problems. Edward was operating on Charlie as I arrived. Rosalie told me everything that was going on.

When he was in the recovery room, they allowed me to see him.

We hadn't been speaking much. It had been 'The Stand-Off' between us ever since Halloween.

"What a Christmas present," Charlie groaned, waking up in the recovery room.

"Hi, Dad," I said.

"We're completely screwed, now, Bella," Charlie said. "I'm not driving for a while. You can't drive for another four months."

"I know," I said. My appointment with the cardiologist in Seattle was supposed to happen tomorrow. He had been on vacation and wasn't able to see me. "We'll find a way to make it work." The seizure medicine Edward had switched me to seemed to work much better- the seizures were gone, now. I hadn't had any since my last hospitalization, but since I was technically having 'seizures' I wasn't allowed to drive six months after my last one. "Just rest."

"I will," he said.

In the morning, I felt somebody laying a blanket on me. I opened my eyes, and it was Edward. "Edward?" I asked.

"Hi," he said. "Finish those memoirs, yet?"

"Yes, actually, I'm looking for a literary agent, now," I said, sitting up.

"You said you were going to let me read it," Edward said.

"Oh," I said. "That's right."

"Charlie's doing just fine, now. We didn't knock any arterial plaque loose, so he's not having a cerebral infarction," he said. "A slow bleed, I mean- the opposite of your strokes. We've got him on Plavix and aspirin. He's recovering nicely. But keep an eye out for any weird behaviors or weird things like weird things in his vision or speech."

"All those years of eating pizza and drinking beer when I wasn't there to cook for him," I muttered.

Edward smiled. I melted.

"I'll have a copy of the manuscript over to your house in twenty-four hours," I said.

"Thanks. I got to get back to the ER," he said.

"Take care," I said.

* * *

I slept for a few more hours in the recovery room. When Charlie woke up, we had a long talk. "I'll take care of you," I promised as we played a game of solitaire.

"I've been a grade A ass hole to you, Bella," Charlie said.

"Yeah, so? You're my Dad," I said. "I only have one."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just wish you'd make safe decisions."

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry I worried you. Passion just took over and I lost my mind for a bit."

"Do you still love him?" Charlie asked.

"Yes," I said. "I always will. He'll always be special to me."

"That book you're working on- can I read it?"

"You're not going to like what you see," I said, thinking about the drug dealer I had dated under his nose and the one-night stand. He was a cop and I had brought Bart home a few times. Charlie hadn't known. He'd kill me for that. And the whole thing with Jacob. He'd be very hurt if he didn't already know.

"All kids make stupid choices," Charlie said. "And don't let me fool you- parents do, too. Go home and work on your book. All you're going to be able to do here is sit around and look at me. That's boring."

"Dad, I love you," I said.

"I love you, too," he said.

* * *

I wanted to publish my book. Charlie would see it, eventually.

I decided I needed to let my friends and family see my memoirs before sending it to literary agents. I took my copies and sent a copy to Renée, one to each of my best friends. Rosalie drove me to Edward's house to leave the copy with him, personally. I rang the doorbell. No one answered.

On the front porch, I wrote a note on the envelope:

Edward- here's a copy of my book. I hope you're not too angry with me. I'll always love you. And I'm sorry about what happened. I always will be. I hope you can forgive me.

Bella

I wiped my face with the back of my hand to clear my tears up before setting the envelope down on the porch. Hopefully, he'd see it and nobody would steal it.

I got in Rosalie's car.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. I was ready to go- in so many ways.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I helped Charlie out of the taxi. He was still sore from the stint surgery and wasn't like this. I was going to turn around and go with Alice to Seattle for my first consultation with my cardiologist at Seattle-Grace University Hospital. Jasper was going to sit with him and watch old Cowboy movies since sports got Charlie worked up.

Jasper pulled in behind us in his Mercedes. Alice insisted on him having a nice car, too. Alice had asked for a Porsche when she got out of high school, but Carlisle made her take her used car to college because he didn't want it getting stolen or vandalized.

"Hi, Charlie!" Alice called peppily.

"Hiya, Alice," Charlie said. "Hey, Jasper."

"I got John Wayne movies galore. You ready?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, thanks," Charlie said. "Can't beat the Duke. Billy's coming over later with Jake and Will."

"Never too early for good-old fashioned cowboy stuff," I muttered, thinking of Will.

"Come on, Bella," Alice said, indicating the car. I climbed in. "Got everything?"

"Yes," I said, patting the folder full of MRI, MRA DVDs and all sorts of other things.

She turned on the stereo, but it was playing soft music.

As we got on the 101, everything was quiet.

"Bella, I have something to tell you," Alice admitted. "Jasper and I are having a baby."

I felt a little bitter for a moment, but then, this was my lot in life. A baby was a wonderful thing. Maybe one day, I could adopt a child. I shouldn't feel so angry for Alice getting pregnant. She knew that I had had a one-night stand with Edward and that I was bitter about not getting pregnant. I didn't keep secrets from my friends, although sometimes, I guess I should have.

"Bella, please say something," she said.

"That's a blessing, Alice," I said. "I'm so happy for you."

A smile broke across her face. "Thanks," she said. "I'm so glad you're not angry with us!"

"Why would I be?" I asked.

"Because of all the meds you're on. You can't get pregnant," she said.

"I _shouldn't_ get pregnant," I corrected. "I still could."

"Oh," Alice said.

"Don't tell me you're going to give birth at home like Angela did. I don't think I could handle that, again," I said.

She laughed. "No, I'm considered a high-risk pregnancy because I'm so tiny, I shouldn't give birth naturally. My OB is recommending me for cesarean," she said.

"A scar for giving birth?" I asked.

"Well, nobody's going to see it, except Jasper," she said.

"You're right," I said.

"It's only going to be like, four inches across. And it's going to be in my pubic hair line," she said. "Speaking of which, let's go the salon and get our nails done on the way back, OK?"

"Pending the news," I said.

"That's more like it," she said.

* * *

Dr. Morton was a cardiologist who was about 55 years old. He looked at my read-outs and my tests before I even got there.

"Bella, I'm looking at you and I think it would be in your best interest if you thought about letting us close up this PFO," he said.

"Is this open-heart surgery?" I asked, thinking of Charlie. He'd never be able to take care of me after open-heart surgery. Never.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "We go into your artery like a stint and close it up laproscopically. You'll only have a small incision on the inside of your thigh."

"That's not so bad," I said. "is it risky?"

"All surgeries have risks," he said. "But, I've done so many of these that I have a high success rate."

"So, we can go through with it?"

"Yes. I've actually had a date open up for surgery in two weeks from today," he said. "If you'll go through pre-surgery admittance, we can get this done quickly. It's a lot to think about if you're not ready."

"I'm ready!" I cried. "Now! I want to go back to my life and not have to worry about having another stroke!"

"You'll still have the seizures," he said. "You'll have to recover from those."

"I know," I said.

"So, you're ready?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. I wouldn't be back to normal, but what was normal? I didn't care any more.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

I woke up, my legs sore from the incision. I groaned.

"Charlie?" I asked, hoping my father would be there.

"Miss Swan, are you awake, now?" the nurse asked.

"Yes," I croaked.

"What's your pain level- one to ten?" she asked.

"Eight," I said.

"Would you like to see your parents and friends, now?"

"Please," I said.

The room was still dark. I had never been operated on before.

The door to my room opened- and Charlie hobbled in with Renée and Phil. "Both of us, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, Bella," she said. "I read your book on the way up." Their flight had been delayed and they got up late- they came straight from the airport to the hospital.

"Both of us did," Phil said.

"It was difficult," she admitted. I couldn't believe she was bringing it up here, while I was recovering from heart surgery. "I'm glad you're honest about it all. I didn't know you were hurting that bad. Why did you put yourself through all that?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Charlie, did you read it?" Renée asked.

"Yes, a few weeks ago," he said. "We had a long talk about it. I think Bella's in the right spot for emotional recovery."

"Didn't you know?" Renée asked.

"I'm still in the room," I said.

"I'm just… heartbroken," Renée said. "I knew you slept with Edward, but that many people?"

"I'm sorry, Mom," I croaked. "Can we talk about this later?"

"I know you don't want to talk about it," she said. "But… when is a good time, Bella!" That wasn't meant to be a question.

"I suppose you're right," I said. "I was unhappy, that's true. I don't want to be that person again."

"We still love you," Phil said. "You're still our child."

"That's true," Renée said.

"It is," Charlie said. "Bells and I had a discussion about it already."

After Renée rehashed the details a few more times. She and Phil would need some time to recover from the fact that their daughter had been a complete slut for a while. It was the truth. No more living a double-life. Today, I the hole in my heart was closed- a hole in more ways that one.

I was taken to a hospital room, where I was allowed to see my friends. They had all come up to see me. It was getting dark, now, and I was pretty tired, still. The nurses shooed everybody out of my room and I struggled to get out of bed to brush my teeth and change into real pajamas.

There was a knock on the door as I spit out my toothpaste into the sink. "Hi, Bella."

I recognized the timbre of that voice anywhere. "Edward!" I croaked. I was so pleased he came to see me!

He stood in the doorway in jeans and a sweater and a rain jacket. He was holding a familiar manila envelope. "I had a chance to read this," he said. "It took me a while. Thanks."

"For what?" I asked.

"For the way you presented me. You were far more gracious than you should have been," he said, setting it down on the bedside table. "I don't deserve your affection. Even in words."

"Edward, no," I said. I went to sit down on the bed. "Sit."

Edward sat down on the loveseat in my room. "You talked about what a terrible person you were… I am even worse," he said, not meeting my eyes. "I was being selfish when I took that seat at Oxford. It was really me that broke us up, not your ultimatums."

"You needed to be close to your parents," I said.

"I saw my parents at Oxford just as much as I saw them when I lived with Esme and Carlisle," he said. "Just less jetlag. They were just as busy, I myself had even less spare time. I should be the one apologizing."

"Just stop talking," I said. "Thanks for coming."

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"OK," I said. "Sore. Stiff. It hurts when I move like this." I twisted.

"Then don't move like that," he said, smiling.

I chuckled, but stopped. "Don't make me laugh," I said. "It hurts."

"Old doctor joke," he said. He looked at me for a moment, like he was trying to ask me something.

"Are you trying to ask me something?" I asked.

"Um," he said. He tapped his fingers on the arm. "Would you give me another chance, Bella?"

"Like… picking up where we left off?" I asked.

"We can't pick up where we left off," he said. "But, we can start fresh. If you'll have me."

I twisted the blanket between my hands. "That's a tough question…"

"I still love you," he said, lowering his head, as if ashamed. "Yes, we're different people, but only on the outside. I love who you are at your core. I have loved you for so long. I tried to convince myself for a while that other women could take your place and it would help if I was with them, but... they couldn't. I'm so empty inside without you, Bella. It was my pride that kept me from telling you so."

I had waited for that for so long. He lifted his head, and I could see it- there in his eyes- he was telling me the truth.

"I... yes," I said. "Please, let's try this again."


	14. Epilogue

**Disclaimer- Stephenie Meyer owns, not me.**

* * *

My foot pressed the gas pedal of the Corolla. It felt good to drive, again. I passed Newton's Olympic Outfitters and the café that had recently been bought by the Cheney family.

I saw Mike getting out of his car with his little girl. His wife, Lisa, was standing beside him, and her belly was expanding. I couldn't happier for him.

I took the turn off to the hospital and parked. I crossed the street watching out for oncoming traffic. The information desk knew who I was and waved me through. I went to the nurse's station in the ER and left a Gladware container of spaghetti with red sauce and another smaller one with marinated green beans.

"Hi, Jessica," I said, seeing my old friend. A new diamond sparkled on her left ring finger. She smiled when she saw me. "I wanted to drop this off for Edward. I know how he just goes and goes and doesn't think to eat, especially on fasting days."

"Oh, he'll be here in a minute," Jessica said, grinning. "Sooner than you think." A hand rested on my shoulder.

"You are a complete angel," a velvet voice said behind me. "I love you."

I turned around to a pair of emerald green eyes. There were years behind them- years I could love and sacrifice between two people. I was genuinely happy when I looked into them.

"I just had some left over food from lunch for Charlie," I said.

"I doubt it," he said. He kissed me.

"Get a room, you two!" somebody shouted in the background.

"When are you leaving for Chicago?" he asked.

"My publisher said Friday," I said. "I'll be there for a week."

"How will I survive?" he sighed. "Better yet, how will Charlie?"

"I know, I know," I said.

"My Mom and Dad have a bed open for you at their new house," Edward said. "If the hotel is too impersonal."

"I know," I said. Liz and Tony had retired from their mission work with the WHO and had a new house in Chicago for the summers and had bought a house on the Olympic Peninsula for the winters.

Alice and Angela had helped me sign over 1000 copies of my book this week. It was on the New York Times Bestseller List, and there were major talk shows that wanted me to guest about my experience as a victim of strokes and an author, one major one was filmed in Chicago.

"The guys have a poker game on Tuesday nights, we'll invite Charlie," Edward said.

"No cheating, alright?"

"We won't cheat him… too badly," he said. "Call me when you're gone."

"I'll miss you," I said, taking his hand.

He kissed me on the temple. "Maybe I'll have a present for you when you get back," he said. "Something hard, clear and shiny that goes on your left hand," he said, grinning.

"Maybe," I said. It was a conversation we had had several times.

"I'll even play the piano for you," he said.

"You play it every time I spend the night," I scoffed.

"I have to go, now, Isabella," he said. "I love you."

And I was happy- no bitterness, no resentment any longer. As I bade Edward good-bye, I went back to my car in the parking lot and climbed in. I slammed the door, and one of the copies of my book fell open to the dedication page.

_To my family and friends; I am so thankful for your support and patience with me. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, especially during one of the worst things that ever happened to me._

_And E- thank you so much for your forgiveness. I love you so much, no matter what happens, I'm so grateful you've been in my life- forever._

I reached over and turned the book over so I could see the title just one more time. Yes, I was proud of it.

_The Memory Will Never Die: A Memoir of a Young Stroke Victim by Isabella Swan_

The light turned green and I started back to Charlie's house to finish packing for a week. Charlie was enjoying his retirement, too. I pulled onto the road. The weather was overcast, but the future was bright, yet not clear. It never was, but I didn't never had to be.


End file.
